My Thoughts

hope?

2008-10-19T15:46:00.002+08:00

its been a long time since i blogged. who knows, i may not get any readers for this. but at least i want to vent out my thoughts

i wish things could go back to what they were. i wish so hard every day. if only we could all go be back together. i missed those times. i miss you at home. why can't you come back?

i resolve to try my best to get you home, but nagging somewhere deep within me, i am afraid of failure. i don't have support. how now?

but nonetheless, i will still try. as hard as i can to get my life back to how it ought to be.

God

2007-11-25T15:25:00.001+08:00

A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed. As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation. They talked about so many things and various subjects. When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the
barber said: "I don't believe that God exists."

"Why do you say that?" asked the customer. "Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn't exist. Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people? Would there be abandoned children?

If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain. I can't imagine a loving God who would allow all of these things." The customer thought for a moment, but didn't respond because he didn't want to start an argument. The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop.

Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard. He looked dirty and unkempt. The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again and he said to the barber: "You know what? Barbers do not exist." "How can you say that?" asked the surprised barber. "I am here, and I am a barber. And I just worked on you!" "No!" the customer exclaimed. "Barbers don't exist because if they did, there would be no people with dirty long
hair and untrimmed beards, like that man outside."

"Ah, but barbers DO exist! That's what happens when people do not come to me." "Exactly!" affirmed the customer. "That's the point! God, too, DOES exist! That's what happens when people do not go to Him and don't look to Him for help. That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world."

confirm.... saddened

2007-10-15T02:09:00.000+08:00

confirmation. hopeless, gone. sigh.

smiles

2007-10-10T21:40:00.000+08:00

to all those who have been logging on to my blog to check up on me, sorry for the irregular postings. haven't been able to find the mood to actually blog. things have been real tough for me recently. guess with my ever increasing assignments, family crap to handle, things haven't been easy.

but it is times like this tt i am grateful God sent me friends from long ago. friends whom i can depend on in times like this. it is funny that those friendships forged in a time long ago are used to strengthen and assure each other in times like this. times where i share my burdens with those whom i have known. they are definitely no help at all in helping me solve my problems. i mean, these friends of mine are useless in that aspect. but all that matters is that they are willing to listen to me, lend their shoulder when i wanna cry on, hit (though i hope not) when i am feeling frustrated. these are friends.

wanna start out by thanking them individually. the friend whom i have known personally 6 years ago, and has been walking beside me since then (and even before that though i never really accepted him), Jesus aka God. thank you. for you know me best. every time i do something stupid or think of something stupid, you are there to slap me and to point me in the right direction. there are times when i dun listen to you, and i still dun listen to you sometimes, but you've never left me. continue speaking to me. and slap me hard when you deem fit. i will never get mad at you, and i can never get mad at you.

my best buddy and avid swimmer cum anime drawing freak, pei wen aka pee wee. thanks for being a great listening ear. for taking time out that nite when i was possibly at my lowest point in my life. for praying for me and my family, and for just being there for me.

to my tall black bro dutt aka anaconda man, for being the all rational person. making me think things in perspective. for just being there for me all the time, for being the brother i never had, and for being my constant emailing buddy when i have to vent my frustrations to. sorry you have to take my load of crap from time to time. u never noe how much it means to me =D

to shao aka the big guy, though you and i haven't talked for like ass long, and i am still gonna smack you for not telling me and dutt abt larissa, but i know that you've been checkin my blog once in a while. thanks for being my spiritual buddy, and keepin me in ur prayers once a while. we shld chat soon. miss talking with ya, and esp ur nonsense.

to cheryl, thank goodness i was able to chat with you yesterday. it helped to hear your views on it, and it was great that we were able to just talk about anything and everything. i enjoyed myself a lot and am awaiting the time where you're back here in hot ole singapore. =D shall eagerly await our next msn session.

to ryan, though we haven't talked in ages, you were one of the first i told abt my problems, and thanks for hearing me out. i hope ur family is ok. and that you'll continue to work hard for ur degree.

to leen, sorry for not catching up with you for so long. but you've always held a special place in me. thanks for being there when i broke the news about what took place. we shld head out one day. chat, have coffee and juz catch up. its been a while, and online aint the best place for ppl who live in the same country. so said u to the tall black one eh?

to my church friends, thanks for praying for me constantly, and thank God i've grown closer to ya'll recently. esp to glenn, besides rachel, i think you are the only other person who knows me the best in church. the past deeds i've done, the way i think, and also my family situation. thanks for praying for me. =D

last but certainly not least, i wanna thank my one and only gal rach. for being my spiritual spouse, my lover, my other half mind, making me laugh when i can't seem to find reason to at times, for being her silly self, for being direct and for being who she is. words juz can't describe how much i am thankful for you everyday.

recently i haven't been able to smile much. even if i do smile, it is a superficial one. it is friends like this that brings the warmth back to my frozen and darken heart.

past, present.... future?

2007-09-20T21:02:00.000+08:00

just got back from a trying dinner. sometimes i feel that there are some things that people shouldn't say, there are some things that should be said in a different way, there are some things that should be said straight in the face. but obviously what took place earlier did not follow those rules. led to a really awkward time at the dinner table, and even worst, caused 2 people to be in awkward positions, and a third juz sitting on the seat playing video games.

happened to stumble across some of the cards i've received from my friends. made me think back on the past. the many people i've come across, the many people whose lives were intertwined with mine because our paths met. i was glad i was able to meet them, have their lives touched by me and vice versa. only thing is i was unable to hold on to all of them and maintain it. times have come and gone. they will just remain as a memory, to be recalled when i am getting older and graying. are we just made to be friends with some, and to forgo it when the time comes?

i miss those days. days where i was carefree, days where the only things i had to be bothered with were my studies, my fav sports and recreation, the friends i hung out with, the girls i tried to go after, failed but still remained friends with. now it seems like more and more burdens are flung my way. is it coz i am older? is it coz i am more matured, able to think better? is it coz i am now a father of 2 people who can't seem to get along already? why the role reversals? the burdens are weighing me down bit by bit. heavy they are.

but the only answer to all my problems is to look to You. how long shall i rely on my own strength? how long shall i depend upon my own rationale thinking and arguments before they turn out to be not so logical after all? how long shall i continue to allow myself to be swallowed by the sin which i have promised to forsake? are they all burdens? or are they just self imposed?

seems like nowadays my posts are getting darker and darker. i guess it is just a reflection of how my life is like nw. may the lite come soon. i have no idea how long i can hold out. "let there be light" shine upon me.

fear

2007-09-19T09:33:00.000+08:00

i shall not be afraid to voice my opinions, even if it does not sit well with the person i am talking to. i shall not be afraid for i know wat i believe in, and i noe tt what i am saying is well thought through, and is from the one i love. fear shall not overpower me.

suicide, murder

2007-08-30T00:10:00.001+08:00

is suicide n murder the answer to the qn? whatever gave u those ideas? not like doing either or both will solve problems. sigh. to do one's best, the rest is up to free choice. should one give up? or to fight on? that is the question

fears

2007-08-29T23:37:00.001+08:00

my worst fears have been confirmed. from now on, i am no longer complete. incomplete i am. shitty feeling, crap result from a crappier situation. what is God's plan in all this? i need enlightenment. help me.

akiramenai

2007-08-23T11:32:00.000+08:00

i cannot give up. if i do, everything i've worked to preserve will come to a bitter end. i must have strength, i must have patience. i must endure through this. the next day will be a better day. the day will come after the night. must believe.

God help me. i feel like i am fighting this battle alone.

2007-08-18T14:35:00.000+08:00

when the oceans rise and thunders roar, i will soar with you above the storm, Father You are King over the flood, i will be still and know you are God.

i will ride on Your shoulders during this stormy patch of my life. Amen

broken

2007-07-29T09:11:00.000+08:00

sadness, pain, suffering, distrust, anger, the unknown. why oh why are we endowed with such feelings and emotions? wouldn't it be loads better if we weren't given them? wat on earth is God thinking when He gave us those emotions. to break us? to further make us more ashamed that we live? that in everything we do, we are already sinning in thought, word and deed? y?

i do not claim to noe y. but i believe tt it allows us to become more reliant on Him. He desires a broken and contrite heart. for that is when He is best able to live in us. how disgusting, how stupid. but stupid works apparently. wat to do, God is God. He noes best.

i m prepared to lose u. but i will still rejoice if by losing u, i'd gain u as someone who has found God again. you've lost Him. through ur own pride, belief in ur own strength. and as much as i love u, and do not want to lose u, i am prepared for tt end. to see u walk out. but at least believe in me, i do not wish to harm you, i do not wish to inflict more pain in u. u are feeling hopeless, angry, and it is normal. i wld think it was nt normal if u din feel hurt.

as i type this, my heart bleeds. it hardly hurts as much as this. oh God, heal me. only u can do it. where i am weak, that's when ur strength will reveal itself. so use me, as ur vessel. i am Yours.

sianz

2007-07-26T22:42:00.000+08:00

here we go again
same old shit again
time and time they shout again
when on earth will this be through?

lazy

2007-07-25T20:21:00.000+08:00

why have you gotten so lazy.what has become of the past you.get it back.sigh.i want u back.dun forsake that part of urself.ever.

Reading

2007-07-17T09:44:00.000+08:00

love days where i can have a good book in hand, and a good drink, either beer or juice, and read the time away, transported into another world. into the minds of fabulous authors. hope i shall have more of such time.

another time of rattling

2007-07-01T17:37:00.000+08:00

time sure has past. time flies when u are either caught up in the moment, or when there are things to look forward to. places to go, ppl to meet, things to achieve. makes u wonder whether time is an enemy, or reminder that our time span here on earth is very precious.

the week has been rather good. very relaxing, very smooth sailing. looking forward to possibly the final camp i will be going for in NUS as a student. the next time i come back, it'll probably be as an alumni. feels like i am one heck of an old guy. i am actually the oldest dude in my OG anyway. =S so far, they seem quite quiet, and unlike the rowdy bunch that i'd prefer, but i guess it is the first day. i hope that during the duration of the camp, we'll bond as an OG and build meaningful and long-lasting relationships that goes even beyond the school term.

am also glad that my mum came back safely and soundly from here trip to holland/europe. i do hope that in time to come, whenever she travels, it'll not be for business but for leisure purposes. i do feel bad that she is going off for business most of the time. dun think it is healthy for her nor us(the family)

i am also hoping that the retreat that collin, jeanette and myself have planned for the connect ministry would turn out well. i hope that the ministry will be able to bond together as a whole. i also hope that Debbie Teo will be able to join us, if not for the whole 3 day 2 nites, but at least for one of the days. i really want to reach out to as many people as possible within SJC, such that each and every person can join together in the big charcoal pit, so that our fire can burn more strongly not for St James, not for the ministry, not for anyone... but the almighty God our Father who lives and reigns in the hearts of us repentful sinners. till today, i am still awed at the fact that this being is willing to live and connect with us. not to possess us, not to control us, but to lead us. amazed i am.

at this point, i dunno y i am feeling a lil confused. as though i dunno wat exactly i want. i mean i do know what i want in a couple of years time, but in some ways, i dunno wat i noe. i know this is a lil confusing to understand, but i myself am a lil muddled at this point. oh well.... another time.

p.s. i am very angril that the stupid rubber costs so much! urgh! sigh.... y can't it be cheaper. maybe i should use some magic to lower the cost of it. @marimarihom@

fun times, better times

2007-06-26T20:38:00.000+08:00

time sure flew past. my holidays have recently past the halfway mark, and sch term is starting. am sorta looking forward to it. new semester, new ppl to meet, new modules to quench my thirst for knowledge, new project mates(hope they will continue being great) and new lecturers. i used to dread sch because i never did do well in them, and the results would discourage me from wanting to study. but i realized that results does not prove how much my worth is, rather it is how much i absorbed and think that really matters. i also realized that personal opinions, critical thinking is what is required for a university level paper, and thankfully i have slowly but surely developed a critical eye to almost every aspect of my life.

juz got back frm hong kong, and only one word describes my trip. it was dreadful. it wasn't the company i went with (they are my dad and brother, though from time to time, they did test my patience in being at loggerheads at each other) but rather it was the lack of natural greenery that made it sucky (sorry, but new zealand sorta spoilt my taste in nature) everywhere i went, it was urban landscape after urban landscape. furthermore, the only scenic place we went to was the peak, and that in itself wasn't very awesome because the picturesque view was spoilt by all the sundals and pukis there who made so much noise. wish they would juz shut up and watch the view in peace. it was times like those that i wanted to do a BANKAI! sigh. too bad, i am not a shinigami.

but one thing i really admire about them. it was the this trait about the hong kongers in that while traveling on an escalator, they would always keep to the right unless they were in a hurry and walked their way up or down. this is something i noticed about EVERYONE there, and it is something i feel that we Singaporeans are seriously lacking in. however, one thing that is no different btw us. at the train entrance, ppl would juz crowd at the entrance, and no one would allow the alighting passengers room to alight. this is something i find intolerable. i mean for pete's sake, give the alighting passengers their 5s to alight, after which you are free to rush for the empty seats ur poor sorry ass legs need. better this way than all shoving and pushing to get their way in or out. in this aspect, i'll say "Dumb-ass Singaporeans and Hong Kongers alike",

but the trip gave me a lot of time to think of research topics to write about should i attempt this particular sociology module. that is provided it is offered the coming sem. and hope it is a level 3 module. otherwise, there is no point at all. or maybe i can attempt it for my thesis (i am gearing up to do a thesis as long as my grades allow me. i have only 2 more sems left till i can officially decide to do it or not)

anyway, on a lighter note, was a really good time i had with the students from kranji sec sch yesterday. it was great for me to show them that if someone as dumb and who isn't academically inclined is able to make it to the university, than all the more they are able to do it. i hope that my little talk with them gave them the confidence they needed to finish the final lap towards their O's. it was also great sharing with them how God changed my life. how i was an arse back than in sch, but due to many circumstances, and how i believe that God placed me in SAJC, i turned out to be the man i am today. not perfect, still very imperfect, still human, but better nonetheless. i hope those i've touched have also come to realize that all that matters is their effort in making good their work. as long as they tried their best, anything is possible.

shall end off on this funny note. met up with Maggie today to continue my vocal training sessions where i picked up where i left off so that i can better serve the Church in the Worship Ministry. when we ended off this was wat took place
Magg: "Can you close us in prayer" i heard can i close us in prayer?
Ernest: "Yes you may" she heard okay
both of us heads bowed and silence for the next 30s, after which we both burst out laughing at our deafness and our inability to speak properly

haha, think we both need a pair of workable ears and mouths that work properly

away i go

2007-06-18T14:55:00.000+08:00

this shall be the last time i blog here..... till i return from Hong Kong. =D i will be off from the 19th (tmr) till the 23rd. will be there with the old man and the brat of a brother =S hope all things will go well. to be honest, i am nt happy going coz we are gonna spend money on buying clothes and other stuff. sigh. more money out..... oh well, at least it will be a break from the drudgery of life here in fast paced Singapore. shall take it as a well deserved break, and a treat for doing pretty well for my exams last sem. after that, it will be wham bam back to work at HATC =S

i hope i will be able to better prioritize what is necessary in my life when things get so important. that i will have the right mindset to separate the more important things from the less important. i hope to find the time to spend with people that matters, as they are slowly dwindling down, with more ppl going to leave sch after the coming sem and ppl flying off. to have time spent with my dear Father everyday so as to not forget what He has laid out for me in my life. and to most importantly never forsake the ones who gave me life, though at times they can get a lil trying too, acting like kids and making me into the father. sigh. i do hate adulthood to a large extent

the constant worry for money, the constant worry abt the next meal, the constant worry that ppl's opinions matter, the constant worry to meet expectations, just worry. i worry about the future, i worry abt the past, i worry abt the present. how do i follow the words of my savior? to not worry? Matt 6: 25-34 and Luke 12:22-31

look on Him who has gone through everything but conquered and is without sin. look on Him who has lived, died and rose again. He lives in me and those who accepts Him. oh it is so hard. a life with Him is so difficult to live, to walk. yet i find great joy in doing so. because he has paved the way. all i need to do is follow. easy as it may be, difficult to do.

empower me not to commit the same mistakes again. empower me to have u in me. empower me to live out ur life so that others see YOU in me and not me. humble me, break me, destroy me. and rebuild me as u deem fit.

also pray that our flight will be safe, and that our time there be a fruitful one.

surprise surprise

2007-06-12T18:58:00.000+08:00

surprises comes in two forms. one that really shocks and leaves a bitter aftertaste, the other leaves a sweet tingling sensation during and after it happens. i must say i have the fortune to experience the latter becoz i was VERY pleasantly surprised yesterday. but, before i go there, something sad. my dad, of all people was shocked that my birthday was last thur. sigh..... dunno wat's up with him man... =( well, he better make it up somehow or other or else.... wahahaha

as for the pleasant surprise, it came from friends who do not have any decency to tell me wat was happening (but i guess it thats the whole purpose eh?), and when i was at the dinner table, then i realized what happened. this was the day's program. i went over to rachel's place to have a day of exercise and sports, coupled with lunch and watched a tear-jerking movie "The Notebook" (that is really very good coz of the nice storyline. you gotta watch it to understand how nice the movie is. i dun wanna spoil the plot. but it juz made me cry like a baby) then came dinner where we went to this mexican restaurant called margherita's (pardon me for the bad spelling and the restaurant incidentally serves really good margheritas, i regretted driving down otherwise i'd have had a glass of it). up to the restaurant, i had no idea that kunal, peiwen and leanna were gonna join us for the dinner. i expected a quiet dinner, but ended up having a really loud and cheery dinner. totally enjoyed the food, the people, the experience. sadly the more i enjoyed it, the sadder i got. coz it hit me that in time to come, people will leave, people will come back, and the experience would be different. not necessarily worst, but just different. guess times do change. am not looking forward to it, but i do not have the power to change it.

anyway, i am so looking forward to the Connect Retreat coming up next month. i'm hoping it'll be a blast coz of the people, the activities and the place where the retreat is held at. sure am hoping that people will go for it, not only the people who are already in Connect, but also the people in the age group who aren't in Connect but would like to find a place where we can burn ever more strongly for Christ as a ministry in SJC. and i do hope that the Retreat will meet its' objectives, i.e. juz to have people having a laugh together and enjoying each others' company.

ok. thats all for now. got loads of things planned out that i have to do. dinner this sat, a manual orientation drive with the boys, dutt's dinner get together, hong kong trip next week (19th to 23rd). so many things to do... so little time. sigh

dry

2007-06-10T23:12:00.000+08:00

i haven't added any entry for a long time. guess i was too busy just doing things that i sorely missed while busy with church stuff or work or study. sorry to those who have visited my blog in anticipation for something new to read. well, hope this will be an answer to you, to let you know that i am still alive. =D

recently, i have been feeling possibly the suckiest feeling in the whole wide world. i am feeling dry, but strangely enough, i am not exactly thirsty. for those of you who think i am talking about the physical aspect. it is not. i am talking about my spiritual aspect. i think it is easy to quench the physical and mental thirst. but the spiritual one is the hardest of them all to quench. this is not the first time i felt it, but i do not want it to carry on. i feel outta touch with myself, outta touch with God. i feel it is the best to be dry yet thirsty. it sucks. it really does. sigh.. i wanna thirst. i wanna drink. but how do i drink when i dun thirst? the insides are drying up. a drought is on. what to do? what to think? what to feel?

but i have many things to be thankful for. on one note, my family, though they are no where near where Christ as i hoped for them to be, at least they are in a generally happy mood. today we had a good day just laughing at each other's stupidity. and might i mention something embarrassing that happened to my brother. his basketball shorts fell in the kitchen yesterday while he was taking soup, and it happened in front my my uncle's maid... it seriously was very embarrassing. luckily we are very close to her, otherwise i dunno what to think might happen. funny thing is my two little cousins tried their best to make his shorts drop again but to no success. so cheeky those two little gals. heh.

am also thankful that my sis, serene is discharged from the hospital after her appendicitis op on fri. thank God nothing bad happened to her. i do not know what it is, i do not know how bad it is, all i know is that it caused her an incredible amount of pain. i do hope she'll recover from it totally and get her life back. can't wait to meet up with her for our birthday meet up. the both of us owe each other hugs.

am also thankful that i have wonderful friends who although weren't able to spend my 23rd birthday with me, but sent me smses or calls to wish me. i am not big on the birthday thing, but it is great to have ppl rmb it.

am also thankful for the fact that there is someone who has recently entered my life. making it seem so wonderful and loud at the same time. i can't say how much of a blessing it has been, yet it juz seems so right. in time to come i hope to juz shout out to the whole world, and sing that song of joy.

next week, will be meeting leanna to have some botak burgers. they say the amk is pretty darn good, and if it is, i bet i'll have an orgasm coz the ones in clementi were great already. haha, can't wait for that day too coz we'll be going to a place i enjoyed when i went there the other time, essential brew. we shld have a swell day juz catching up since its been a long time since we gone out.

i decided i shall not blog too much. i shld nt overload on my first post in a long time. heh. laterz

results

2007-05-26T13:50:00.000+08:00

results are out. can't say i am terribly disappointed in them, because this is the first time i've not gotten a single grade below a B, and it is my all time best semester. but i still feel a lil injustice. din do as well as i hoped. i mean i expected to get like a minimum A- for my methods module, but i got a B+ instead. i thought i'd get an A- minimum coz i got an A+ for my mid term paper. sigh. oh well. can't expect much now can i?

but i am still quite far away from the grade that allows me to get a second lower class honors. now i will just need to rely on God's strength to do it. i will do it, i will make it. i know i can. so i have to. sigh. hope this will be the start of ever increasing grades for the rest of my time remaining in NUS.

p.s. aarthi, i owe u a meal =( get back to me when u read this post

thoughts... again

2007-05-25T17:00:00.000+08:00

tmr will be the official release of my results. somehow, i dun feel as anxious as i was the past couple of exams. probably coz this time, i am resigned to it already. the results will be the fruits of my labor. i did do my utmost best at it. what will be will be. of coz i am hoping that i will get good grades, that will allow me to stay on and do my honors. but if i can't then i'll juz move on to MOE after that. or maybe stay on at HA. i dunno. depends. see which path opens up doors for me first.

would like to say this to those who have asked before. i am not attached. i do not have a gf. but i have found someone whom i can really connect with. someone who shares similar interests, and thinks somewhat like me. we do like each other, but we aren't gonna rush into things. we are gonna wait till God gives us his stamp of approval, and say the big OK. i do believe she is my soulmate, but that is for us to work out. but until then, i am just gonna enjoy myself getting to know her better.

my work week for the month has officially ended. funny how when i started work, i REALLY wanted to go all out. but as time passed, i started to lose my drive for it. but thankfully, towards the last few days, i began to get my act together. began to enjoy wat i was doing, and began to feel that this IS my calling. kids, youths, students, friends. i dunno how long i will be in this line. Daddy's calling probably is for me to be a youth pastor of some sort. i dunno. but i noe watever it is, i hope not to falter on either side of the road.

it has been a pretty relaxing day today. got up late, watched naruto, harold and kumar goes to white castle, some anime called overdrive, played a lil frozen throne, lent shimo my backpack bag so she can (hopefully) get some stuff for me from vietnam. haha.... i do hope she enjoys herself. i bet it will be sweet coz it is vietnam. i hope she'll bring back many stories of the sad plights of ppl there, and how God is helping them, either through Christian or non-Christian work. sigh... thinkin abt it makes me wanna go overseas to one of those third world country... but Ernest needs money... sigh...

ok, my randomness ends here. tmr i'll either be a happy man or one really sad man. await my post!

pain, suffering, at the midst of it all, peace

2007-05-20T21:35:00.000+08:00

a decision has been made. during the process, turmoil, sadness, a lot of angsty pondering, and in the midst of it all, there was strangely a sense of peace. i guess the sense of peace stood out the most because it was a strange feeling. i mean negative thoughts flowed through the head, but at the core of it, it felt really good. i guess this is what happens when the decision was made to put our Father in the center of it all. to listen, to follow, to obey. John 15 was a verse that spoke volumes about what i felt we should be doing. was a wine apart of Daddy. now, i want to be a part of Daddy. funny how one space makes a world of a difference.

all i can ask is that God will grant me strength, and never forsake me. may i never not be able to feel His presence, and that He will continue telling me the things i do is wrong, and tell me not to do it. I pray i will have the strength to fight the demons placed in my life, and that i will use Daddy's sword of fire to vanquish them. though everytime i kill one, another will come back, but as long as the sword is in my hands, mind and mouth, i can win the war.

can't believe xiaolin left for xiamen already. gosh, it seems the whole world is leaving. sigh, i can't say i like globalization since it is taking ppl who matter away from me. but ultimately, i too will be leaving Singapore, to place myself in another part of God's wonderful world. but thanks that the person whom i have decided to give my heart to also wants to have a life outside of Singapore. makes things a whole lot easier. seems like this is the point in my life that i'll be making decisions that will impact my life significantly. hope that God will be in the center of it all.

on my other fav issue on my work, i am starting to get the groove back for it. slowly enjoying meeting students, talking with them, knowing them better, playing with them and just finding out what makes them tick. my only grouse, i haven't gotten my camera phone yet so i can take pics with them for memory sake. sigh. the phone i want is SOOOO expensive. over $500 bucks. hope some kind soul will drop one into my hands. i'll be eternally grateful. i guess i will not continue with this job after my education. i have another calling. something only God knows. he hasn't told me fully what it is. but my training so far, in terms of spirit, in terms of work, in terms of my gift for reaching out to kids, it is for a greater plan. i dunno wat it is. but it is definitely veered towards that area.

anyway, 6 more days before the release of my results. i do hope i'll do well. i really have to do well... if not, there goes all hopes for me to do honors. sigh. i hate to be controlled by my grades, but that is a reality i have to live with. sigh.

work work

2007-05-19T00:39:00.000+08:00

was a lil overworked this week. even to the extent where i fell sick on thur, and had to last through a class feeling like crap throughout the entire session. what made it worst was the fact that the class i took was extremely problematic, because their attitude, together with their class unity was seriously in shambles. i do hope they can get their act together soon and come together. i mean, it is seriously saddening to know that everyone is so individualistic, and not interested in helping the class first. fights nearly broke out, swearing occurred all the way. these are just some things that took place during my work. sigh. at least fri's session was more controlled. i did not need to release my evil twin brother out in order to discipline them. i juz needed to act fierce so that they had a feel of how 'he' was like. it was quite funny though. they actually looked scared when i turned on evil mode. haha. maybe i should try that out with my more problematic classes in future.

right now, i ask for the strength and courage to do what my heart tells me is right. to do what i feel i should do, and not allow rational logic to take over. sometimes, it is so difficult to balance between allowing the brain to think rationally, and the heart to feel emotionally. both are right, yet which one is more 'correct'? that is something i don't know. but i do noe God is right ALL the time. so tell me what to do Dad. pls.

isabella....

2007-05-14T21:17:00.000+08:00

isabella... or alessandra (now i am torn between the two names) is currently out of my life. i feel so empty, so handicapped, so lost without her. sigh... i wonder when will she return to my side. my dear laptop, please get well soon. u have no idea how much i am suffering without u. i miss ur touch, i miss ur buttons, and i miss pushing and typing away. but what i miss most about u, is the fact that u are MUCH faster then my brother's LOUSY laptop. it sucks!! urgh!

anyway, today was a REALLY tiring day. GOD HELP ME! sigh.... 6 hours of training students in exam skills which they have absolutely no interest in. they were SO ROWDY, that this is the FIRST TIME i ever lost my temper 3 TIMES! urgh! but i dun really blame them for being so distracted. i mean it IS after the exams. they do deserve their break anyhow.

and sorry that i haven't been blogging. its not that i dun wanna blog. but i juz din wanna blog with a DAMN SLOW laptop. i.e. my bro's lappy. thankfully i reformatted it so it is more decent now. but nothing compared to my beloved. i really am wondering when will i see her.... sigh... miss her like CRAZY!!!

decisions are made already. i noe where i wanna go from now till i am 30. as long as things go according to plan, it shld be good. God shall shine the light, and i will walk the path. i juz hope for it to work. but for now, thanks Daddy, for giving me what i need most. =) AMEN!

....

2007-05-06T22:29:00.000+08:00

nothing really exciting happened today. juz that i wish i was someplace else rather then my home. i wish i was at that spot. and i wish time would juz fly by.

and i can't wait for 2015. nw that dutt proposed a europe trip with us and our significant others then. =) i think that's a sweet idea.

so exciting!

2007-05-03T14:31:00.000+08:00

this is really cool. i am in nyp blogging next to peiwen. he is currently mulling over his project, whereas lucky me am done with exams. yay! haha. i'll b reading up and revising on my japanese language so that i will still be able to keep up when i take up japanese language again. hope i will be able to ace my japanese language. and hopeufully fly to japan. get into the culture, eat the great food, and more importantly, enjoy nature as much as possible since there is more nature over there as compared to here. and it is my secret wish to see Hard Gay there... UFOOOOOOOOO!!! wahaha.

went clubbing yesterday. it wasn't a total bore, but it wasn't as fun as i anticipated because first of all, the music at phuture has really dropped loads since the last time i went there. it was so bad, i stood still for 75% of the time. i dun mean that the music was TOTALLY to blame for it. the crowd yesterday was juz terrible. no space to dance, and it din help that this girl..... my goodness, she kept rubbing her back on me, and kept pushing me forward. luckily i was strong enough to withstand her pushings. otherwise i would have fallen onto Jenn/Jerry/Jacq/Janice.... funny, now then i realize that the ppl i went out with yesterday all have names starting with J. hah! something boliao...

but probably the most exciting thing took place today. was taking a bus from home to meet peiwen and rachel in nyp. took 852 and en route, God had a surprise in stall for me. one guy came down with fits. this is the absolute FIRST time that i've experienced such a thing, and i was stunned for a bit. his entire body was spasming, his eyes were wide in shock, his mouth was clenched tight and i was afraid for him. i went straight down and attempted to pry open his mouth for fear that he would be biting his tongue. but then someone gave me a key and asked me to use it to pry his mouth open. at that moment, i thought to mysself, how stupid that was because i was afraid i'd chip his teeth. so i continued using my hands. thankfully his facial muscles relaxed and i managed to get his mouth to be opened. but his muscles started to get even tighter. thus, myself with two other guys carried him to the open space where people stood on the bus and started to relax him down, prying his fingers open and massaging him. i do not know whether wat i did was right, and it would not result in anything bad to occur in him, but at least i know nothing bad overcame him. thankfully he was convinced to go to the hospital for check up although initially he was really reluctant about it. i do hope nothing bad happens to him. awi, one of the guys who helped out said that there was a bolt of lightning when his fits took over. i dunno if there was a link to this. hope that the medical ppl at the hospital can diagnose him properly.

well, i also hope that the bus driver would not come under much fire, and that he will be able to get back to the normal routine of work. i juz hope that he would't come under much fire for what happened bcoz i do not think that it was h is fault. if i have to testify on his behalf, i would.

so thanks Daddy, for first of all pre-empting rachel that i would be late. and that pee and her can meet too. thanks for also allowing me to meet ang kiat in sch today though it was very brief. thank you also for giving me the opportunity to experience such an event. i dun think i will forget it. ever. although u could have chosen a better time to wake me up from my dreamy stupor, but i know that your timing is always the best. so thank you.

memories

2007-04-30T21:12:00.000+08:00

finished my revisions for my last module, so am taking the rest of the night off for now. as i had nothing else to do, and isabella has no games on her coz i absolutely refuse to have any such distractions, i chose to distract myself in another way. looking at the pics i have on her. sure brought back some fond memories.

but i guess the pictures that made me smile the most, and probably the saddest ones are those that happened last year december. memories of that time will definitely stay with me thruout. times with people whom i really treasure loads, and a place i still dearly love.

i can still remember the days leading up to it. hw i refused to spend more then $3 a meal (including drinks) juz so i cld afford the trip. i could also remember planning for it. i din do much, but it was still an experience. then right up to the nite before the departure, lying on kunal's bed and not being able to slp becoz of the exhilaration of traveling with friends, and lifelong buddies at that. something all the money on this earth cannot buy.

and i am sad after the smile. coz i know that such a thing will b hard to do again. no doubt i will be traveling with my special someone in time to come. i mean i do love to see this world as much as my eyes can take in, and before some disease takes my memories away. but to be able to travel, the four of us, it is something that will be really hard to do. shao's in aussieland, dutt's flyin to the US soon. pee's started sch, and i am hopefully ending my education between the next 2 to 3 years. after that, all of us will have plans to work, set up our home and settle down. i dunno if something like that can happen or not. i sure hope if God allows we will. how i wish i could relive those times again. i guess i will when i give my testimony to my Lord when i see Him.

but i guess i can't complain. at least i am able to have such an experience. many people on this earth never seen an aeroplane, much less fly on one before. some ppl sat on it before, but have never flown out of their region. i should be glad i am blessed enough to travel, and will be traveling in time to come. on hindsight, i dun think i am complaining, i guess i am juz sad abt the inevitable fact that something like that can never happen again. sigh.

life is short. it really is. 23 years of existence juz flown by. memories stay, muscles are developed and destroyed. friends come and go. we learn from our past mistakes, our past relationships. ultimately, it is our memories that define who we are. and define hw we act and think. i know because recently, it has juz become more obvious that i am a product of my experiences through talking to someone. it has been an enlightening experience. we will all leave this earth the way we came. naked... but we will be full of memories. money is worthless, material goods are worthless, friends, loved ones can't be carried to the next life. but the experience earned is worth far greater then anything this world has to offer, anything except the love and sacrifice our Lord gave.

i dunno wat came over me today. feel kinda in a reminiscing mood. nt sad or anything, in fact, i am very happy. i really am. exams coming to an end soon, gonna start the work i so enjoy doing, and getting to know a special someone better. i'm not saying all is good. there are some shitty parts. but i shall thank God that i have experiences that i can smile at.

so thank you. shao, kunal and peiwen. for being a part of my life. for being a part of my memory. if God allows, may we travel to some part of the world again, as friends. and this time, if money allows, ryan and leen, do tag along too. nothing beats good times spent with friends. and if ur respective partners wanna tag along, i say bring it on.

gosh... i really am looking into the future a lot these days. mayb its coz i can't wait till the future comes. i can foresee full of trials and tribulations. but with You, my Lord beside me, i will juz dance along with u, and keep my eyes focused on the one leading me all the time.

Spanks (Thanks), Lord. for blessing me so abundantly.

p.s. i hope God allows David's (i hope i remember his name rite) path and mine to cross once again. i promise i will set it right this time. i promise i will help him out. unlike last time where i ignored him.

opening my heart

2007-04-27T01:12:00.000+08:00

opening my heart is probably the hardest thing i would be doing at this point in time. @sigh@

anyway, i wanna thank Dr Millie for her reply. i am no longer angry at the NM paper fiasco anymore. and i guess i was a little stupid to make such a big fuss over something so small. life is full of unexpected changes. if i am gonna bitch abt this, then i have seriously failed as a human. my bad. sorry.

NM

2007-04-26T22:00:00.000+08:00

the following post comes from a very angsty me. so read with caution.

kan nah sai! chao NM dept of NUS. i hope some mother son from the NM dept of NUS reads my post. i mean wat the hell man! at first you told us it'll be 50 mcq qns. then when i sat down at my table earlier and read the cover page, guess wat! it turned out to be 32 mcq qns and 8(i think) short answer questions. i mean please lah... there is a reason WHY NUS incorporated IVLE into the education man. did it NOT cross ur mind that THE INTERNET IS a form of communication medium that you taught us? makes me think wat the hell they gave you the professor title for. i mean like only last night at 12 midnite then u change it suddenly. come on lah! it can't be THAT last minute. even a 3 year old knows that. i m seriously doubting the brains behind the NUS organization man. for wat do they pay u so much for, and furthermore, you TEACH something but DO NOT USE? bloody hell! wake up ur bladdy idea can! stupid NM dept. damn bloody pissed!!! nah beh! (Evil Chao Ah Beng Ego)

now its back to my normal civilized persona.

recently, some of my old thorns started to recur. i thought i was able to subdue those demons, and i thought i was able to finally kill them. but i guess they were still lurking in the back of my subconscious somewhere, waiting for that opportune time when i am weak and scared. talking to someone about regrets in stemming from the past triggered it i guess. its kinda scary. on one hand, i think that it is kinda good that i know it is something that i never was able to conquer, but on the other hand, it's juz holding me back. this past that i wanna get rid off scares me, prevents me from pushing on ahead, and even impedes me. its nt ur fault that it came up. i guess eventually i'll have to tell you what is it that i m nt too fond of remembering. its funny hw the human body works. the more we wanna forget something, the stronger the memory gets. hw i wish the same can be said about my exams. @sigh@

but as i wallow in my pitiful state, God threw this verse at me. he has a knack for doing such things when i am in my deepest darkest hour. and i thank glenn and tard for helping me find it coz i myself am nt good at remembering verses from the Holy Word. so thank you glenn and tard. and thank you Father. for as u promised, u've never forsaken me. kum sia lao peh!

so here is the verse from 2 Corinthians 12:7-10. To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when i am weak, then I am strong

so yes. i will try my best to boast of my weakness. for where i am weak, i am strong. nt through my own grace and power, but through the one who died for me. i still tear when i think of the scenes enacted. but i shudder to think that i will definitely be the one nailing his wrists into the crucifix, or spitting and sneering at him, if i were living in His time. sorry, Lord.

nice quote

2007-04-25T20:26:00.000+08:00

i like this quote. heard it from mike when we were studying over the weekend in school. "God gave men two heads, but only enough blood to fill up one of them" Quote from Lucas, someone i dunno very well, but i juz noe from SAJC.

please please please let me maintain my grades for this sem. let me better or maintain the grades i got for my mid term papers.... PLEASE!

crappy day

2007-04-19T21:53:00.000+08:00

today was really a crappy day. actually, it was a string of events tt led up to it. isabella came down with a viral infection abt 1 to 2 weeks ago. after that, she became so slow, that i juz couldn't take it anymore. i guess some things frustrate me, and i can't stand it when my laptop is so slow. for those of you who don't know yet, isabella is my laptop. =) i kinda like the name. think its a really sweet name.

i guess i am the type of person that doesn't like to work with the wrong kind of tools. in order for me to get any job done, i like my tools to be in tip top condition, and i also dun like to use 'blunt' tools. with my exams coming up (like this sat!!!) and being the frustrated person i am, i decided to reformat my entire PC so as to get it back to its old faster self.

sigh, spent like 5 hours today reformatting, getting some of my old programs installed, copying my files from the external hard drive back to isabella. she's much faster now, but there's this problem, where she hangs, or she justs stops working. i dunno wats wrong with her. this is the first time such a thing happened. i guess its the media player, coz i was using it to watch a webcast earlier. but it never happened before. sigh. of all the shit to happen.

so i was frustrated coz i didn't get much done today, other then watch Jose Rizal which i felt was very important for my Social theory paper. think i got a better understanding on why his thoughts were the way they were, and if u ask me, it is so parallel to Jesus's story. maybe the director made it in such a way, or maybe Rizal really did emulate my Lord. either way, i quite enjoyed that really old film. teaches me that in spite of what everyone else thinks, as long as you know that deep within you whatever it is that you're doing is right, and you know God is behind you in all that you do, even if the religious institutions are against u, then there shld be nothing to fear.

and funnily enough, Psalm 23 juz jumped right out at me today. for one, i guess it is staring at me on my wallpaper, and it is today's devotional readings, but something about it strengthen me in my frustration today. "The LORD is my shepherd, i shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Even though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i will dear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me. you prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and i will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

he's telling me i'll find rest in Him. He's telling me that in all i do, exalt Him and trust in Him. all my work and effort will pay off eventually as long as i have Him by me. for i have found my rest in my Lord. have you?

i guess it is kinda silly of me to blog abt this in the midst of my exams, but if u ask me, i am nt too worried abt it already, coz i think Daddy's telling me i need to take a break, and He asked me to trust Him. so i will. i will take a short 30 min break, and attempt to settle my computer stuff.

may your healing hands come upon my beloved Isabella. for she has served me well thus far. =)

this is a sad day for us

2007-04-18T09:41:00.000+08:00

i was shocked when i heard the news. my heart juz dropped when my dad called me to his room and told me to watch CNN. the news? Virginia Tech shootings by a South Korean guy my age. it didn't really bother me that he was a South Korean (which btw isn't communist). he could be Chinese, Caucasian, Malay, Jew, Indian, he could be a muslim, buddhist, catholic, taoist, christian, and other kinds of religion for all i care. the fact is that he actually took a gun and killed some 32 of his sch mates (32 at last count since i watched the news again this morning, CNN is having a field day because of this story).

they still couldn't figure out his motive for killing so far. everything boils down to speculation. everyone CNN interviewed said that the killer, whose name was Cho Seung Hui, was a loner. and his professors in Virginia Tech Uni said that the plays he came up with reflected a troubled mind. all these signs were apparent for some time now. why didn't someone go forth and reach out to this hurtful soul? y was he left to wallow in angst and pain? koreans called him the 1.5 generation, i.e. he was uprooted from his homeland mid life and brought to a foreign place to grow up. could that be a reason for it? these are juz some of the possible reasons for his thoughts and motive for killing his school mates.

but what pisses me off most is that the bloody American Administration did not heed the lessons from the Columbine High School Shootings. you would have thought that they would have enough brains by then to scrap the Second Amendment. the Second Amendment btw is "A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the People to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed." which brainless fools would allow ANYBODY to keep and bear arms??? i mean seriously! regulate the use of arms. allow law enforcements, security, the military to own the arms, and the use of the arms be kept in strict check by those agencies! who the f**k allows any Tom, Dick or Harry, Mary, Sally and any idiot on the street who more often then not has no sense of decency and brains to have self control over who to pull the trigger on?? tell me.

i think the Americans deserve it all along. my heart does go out to the people who have perished under the unstable and sad mind of Cho. but i believe something good will come out of it. seriously. scrap the Second Amendment. it is not worth having guns on the streets, where anyone has the power to take a life. the gun never was an evil object. it is people who have the propensity to be evil. give them a life-ending mechanism, and the possibility for more people dying would increase. take a leaf out of Singapore's book. prohibit arms on the streets. it is juz plain stupidity. unless you want another Virginia Tech or Columbine High School incident to occur again.

do you want your kids to go to sch feeling unsafe? do you want to live ur lives in constant fear that a bullet is all it takes to end it? as much as i want to meet my Father soon, i believe we have the power to stop this mindlessness.

it is better to lose a whole arms economy. i know that the arms trade is a booming business that rakes in millions of dollars every year. it is lucrative. it puts more money in the pockets of those rich fat bastards. but it is thanks to them that people are dying. better to lose millions of dollars then to lose even one life to irrationality. the blood shed this morning (American time) is on everybodies hands. unless we all come together to agree to limit the common people's use of firearms, we will ALWAYS live in fear. we are no longer a single community, but a global community. so please. scrap the bloody 2nd Amendment.

and Father, i just ask that u stay by the side of those who are undergoing grief and pain from the killings. may ur peace overtake them, and let them know that those who died are in a better world, right where you are. may more people turn to u in these times and say u are Lord. i find it hard to rejoice now, but i am called to rejoice in times of sadness. i hope i can do it. i hope i can. all this i ask in my Lord's name.

and sorry for the 'all over the place' rambling. i juz ramble without structuring my thoughts when it comes to these things. hope i wun do it for my exams. i will surely fail if i write like i did.

pls daddy

2007-04-17T15:17:00.000+08:00

went to collect my term papers for SC2101 and GEK 1012 yesterday. was pleasantly surprised by my grades coz i din expect to do as well as i did. kinda happy, but i'm afraid i'll get complacent and not study. so ernest, DO NOT get complacent! you need to do really really well this sem for ur exams if u wanna move on to honours.

on another note, i am quite tired from studying. i juz hope i can get the mood back. it seems i study best in the morning after i wake up, and at night before i slp. other times and everything juz seems to fly outta my head. =(

and great joy fills my heart as each day passes coz i've found my deepest desire for the longest time.

funny and slow

2007-04-14T22:16:00.000+08:00

today was a rather slow day. other then joggin with ray in the morning, the rest of my day was really slow. what to do. the bloody exams are coming up. complacency is creeping up on me. its scary. i haven't been doing well in my exams, but yet when i study, i feel as though i already know all the stuff i m reading. may God take this complacency off me. please. it is killing me!!!

anyway, wanna say that my mum was really dumb today. two incidences that made her look dumb. guess we all have our days eh?

well, for starters, there are four ppl in my family. my dad, my mum, my lil bro and myself. my dad was in the living room, i was in my parent's bedroom's toilet washing my face. she came in to the toilet i was in and asked me this really stupid question. "who is in the other toilet?" i looked at her and blinked.... i asked her if she was really asking me that qn. and she repeated it again. feeling naughty and cheeky, i din answer her. i juz said, "we have 4 ppl in this family. dad is in the living room, i am here in front of u, u are talking to me, WHO else is there? ghost ah???" and she burst out laughing at her stupidity. heh!

another dumb incident. my mum opened the fridge and exclaimed "whoa! got mango ah!" i jumped up with glee coz i love mangoes. but my dad gave the puzzled look and asked hw can there be mangoes when he din buy any. so i went to the fridge and took a look. guess what i saw.... ***drum roll*** a single mangosteen.... @slaps palm on forehead@ mango and mangosteen tak sama lah ibu!!!

one of those days where my mum is a clown. =)

ippt

2007-04-12T21:44:00.000+08:00

not a very fantastic ippt. but at least i improved from last year's timing. Sit Up: 43 reps, Broad Jump: 243cm, Chin Ups: 12 reps, Shuttle Run: 9.3s, 2.4km: 9min 59s. sigh. i am like 45s away from gold. guess i will have to train harder then. kinda desperate for the money.

anyway, i juz wanna say that i hate father time. why can't he slow down when i want to, and speed up when i want it to? it sucks! argh!

now my feet hurt from ippt. will need some rest. will stay home the whole day and do some studying to prepare for my upcoming exams. i need to do well man.

and thank you Daddy. although the timing for answering this prayer of mine is seriously off, but u answered it nonetheless. i guess doesn't only make us wait for a prayer request to be answered, but he surprises us at times by answering it even before we are ready for it. but i am not complaining. @playfully punches Daddy@

ow.....

2007-04-10T18:56:00.000+08:00

guess i should have stretch properly yesterday. my legs hurt so badly when i did a pretty slow run to the park today. i juz hope that the pain won't be there when i do my ippt this thur. i need that $400 man! but sigh, my pull ups suck now... i can't even manage 10 now, what more 12...urgh! hope i will be able to muscle up some strength come thur to hit 12. then run like i've never run before.

well, today i went with leanna, i.e. nerd slut (she keeps saying she looks geeky in her new glasses, but she actually looks nt too bad in it) here's a pic of her very first nerd slut pose coz she wasn't able to conjure up her latest and newest nerd slut pose. heh. but wait up for it ppl. i will force it outta her... somehow :)

went with leanna to have botak jones. food was great and was decently cheap for the food we got. the triple patty burger was DA BOMB man!!! i dun think any human can possible stuff the entire 3 patties and buns down their throats. it is THAT big!!! i wouldn't mind going back again... but not so soon. i haven't gotten my money back yet. argh!!! and i dunno what's taking them so long =( i'm a poor uni student here. whats more, my paycheck is taking ages to come in... sigh. dun be surprise my friends if u see me skinny. no money, no food. no money, no dates. sad life i lead man. =(

here are some pics of that HUGE burger. and its 12 bucks. nt too bad i say.

does Botak need a male model for burger advertisement? i'm up for grabs.

came across this msg. very nice. "If i said i love you, what would you think? If i said I treasure our time together, would you ignore me? I am at a loss for words. But I will always be here for you if you need me. -God-

how true is that. =) because He loves me, i can carry on living without in His ways, and because He has forgiven my sins, i am able to live my life the way it ought to be, away from the bondage the devil kept me under. i am a saved sinner. i am not sinless, but i am working to sin-less.

humbled

2007-04-08T21:40:00.000+08:00

i've been way too arrogant in the past. since jc, i've thought the world of myself. sigh. too reliant on my own strength, that i'll scoff at others' help. only when i needed their help i'll stretch out my hands at the very last minute. sheesh.

today, i'll like to thank 2 ppl, well, make it 5 if u do consider the next 3 to be PPL. firstly, glenn. thanks for asking me to go down, and reminding me that today is indeed a special day for us christ believers. actually all i wanted to do was juz to go for the sunrise one, so that i have the rest of the day to study. but thanks to ur prompting, i've gone down. 2ndly to ray, thanks for nudging me in the right direction the way u noe best. nt forceful, hinting yet gently. juz the right amts that doesn't push me overboard. thanks. to the 3 in one God, thank u for humbling me. for i was arrogant. u could have juz abandoned me. but u didn't. Thank YOU. u blinded me so that i can see what u see, and i have seen. i didn't like what i see, but as the saying goes, the truth hurts. but u've healed me. and i shall try my best to have u as my guiding post, to follow u more and more each day. to be the man u want me to be. i guess i've fallen short of ur ideal for me. but i promise to listen to u now and obey.

so do not forsake me. do not leave me. always talk to me, and forgive me when i talk. for now i shall try to listen. and if i dun listen, make me deaf to everything else, and make me dumb. so that all i hear is You. =) aishiteru, zutto. watashi no kamisama.

p.s. 10th of march is a day i'll never forget. ever.

i'm sorry

2007-04-07T00:53:00.000+08:00

i guess it takes a song and a heart to heart talk with you to realize one of the biggest attitude problems i have been having for the longest time. i kinda knew this problem existed within me, but i guess i was juz too pig-headed to change. i kept thinking i was wrong. i'm sorry to my brothers and sisters if i've shut you out of my life. i guess it's my bad. i'm not even sure if any of u read my blog, but i still want to say i'm sorry. i cannot promise a 180 degree turn about, but i can promise i'll try to change for the better. and sorry Daddy. i haven't been the man u've always wanted me to be. i'll listen more to u frm nw on. promise. ***hooks pinkie with Daddy***

broken hearted

2007-04-06T10:57:00.000+08:00

i guess i can say nw that i know how you feel. that people do not want to experience ur death. it was sad that they refused to go. but i am sure one day they would understand y u did that. forgive them. they know not what they are doing.

nice

2007-04-05T20:29:00.000+08:00

i've come across this really sweet prayer. think it means a lot to me now especially at this point in time.

"Father in heaven, i pray that you will always be with us. That we shall not only be receptive but obedient to overcome temptation, and to always keep you in our hearts, minds and spirit, so that our focus will not be on worldly things but on you Lord. I pray that you give us strength and the drive to glorify your name. I love you. Amen."

things are happening in my life at this juncture. i know it is a bit too early considering i haven't finished my exams yet, but i always like to plan early. i'm still deciding between my career after i graduate. whether to go full time into my HATC work or to be a PE teacher. may the Lord shed light on this. whatever it is, His will be done, not mine.

went for the prayer thing yesterday. never before did i cry like i did then. guess the Holy Spirit responded to my remorseful heart and touched me then. i didn't bawl like a baby, but i cried. kinda like pent up emotions gushing out of a floodgate. it felt good, but i still feel bad that all i did was talk yesterday but didn't allow Him to talk to me. Sorry Daddy for being so one sided. i will listen to you today and as long as you want.

crap, studying is so tiring. intended to slp for a bit but ended up taking up more of my study time. hope that the extended slp time will allow me to study better. i have one more chapter to go before i am done for what i set out to accomplish today. hope i can get those things drilled into my thick and stubborn head. i need discipline, and the drive and determination to do well for my exams. coz i do wanna do honors. juz pray that i will be able to then. can't do much but work my ass off and pray about it. To Daddy: You better do Your part coz i am doing mine!!! heh!

anyway, decided to scrap the idea of getting an ipod. will get a pair of M-frames and a 100GB external hard drive instead. works out better this way coz i dun really need a music play, since i hardly listen to it. i feel that music distracts me from something else that i enjoy doing more, and that is ppl watching and thinking about stuff. its always more fun to ppl watch, or to think about where i wanna be headed to in life.

right now i am listening to "Who Am I" from Casting Crowns. I really love this song. its a really reflective song, and i do love reflective songs such as these. =)

short one

2007-04-04T21:48:00.000+08:00

today was a sweet day. no studying, no work, juz pure enjoyment with ppl who matter. i do hope to spend more of such time after i come out of my 'mountatin'

yes, i am going into the 'mountain' to prepare for my exams. it is that time again where i refuse all forms of social events, and juz prepare for my hated exams. really hope i can do well this time. this time i pray that i be given the brains of my lecturers, so that i will know what they want and write wat they want. heh!

anyway, i wanna thank God for making one of my prayers come true! it has to do with my best buddy Pei Wen. Yup! congrats bro! you know what i mean! its good to see that ur heart's desire is fulfilled. do not let go of this chance again man! and when u feel like giving up, i'll be right next to you ever ready to lay the smack down!

now when will i have my heart's desire fulfilled? guess i'll have to wait till the end of the year. damn! it seems so far away! when will it come??????? argh!

sianz

2007-04-03T19:04:00.000+08:00

i'm sitting here in my lecture waiting for it to be over. i am kinda tired from studyin. can't wait for tmr to come. my long awaited rest day awaits.

i am scared about my exams. i never was good at writing. i suck at formulating my thoughts in papers. i'm way better at talking. sigh. why can't they have oral exams? oh well, i can never get what i want eh? i juz pray that this sem, i will have a B+ average, so i can pull my CAP up. PLEASE HELP ME!!!

something that i can have is this. heh! my M-Frames Sweep. anyone got lobang? i've been lusting after it for a long time. it is not the nicest, but it does its job, especially when i buy my road bike in time to come. so here you go.

talk cock!

2007-04-02T20:22:00.000+08:00

Above All

Above all powers
Above all kings
Above all nature and all created things
Above all wisdom and all the ways of man
You were here before the world began

Above all kingdoms
Above all thrones
Above all wonders the world has ever known
Above all wealth and treasures of the earth
There's no way to measure what You're worth

Crucified
Laid behind a stone
You lived to die
Rejected and alone
Like a Rose
Trampled on the ground
You took the fall
And thought of me
Above all

now comes my thoughts
this is the song that literally opened my eyes to the humbleness and the love that Jesus showed. for the longest time i had rejected him. but thanks to this song, accompanied by the healing touch of the Holy Spirit did i weep like i never weeped, felt remorsed over my countless wrongdoings. His wounds, His pain, His hurt. He deserved none of it. AT ALL. but He willingly took it upon Himself. just because He loves me. i was touched at the age of 17 by this song. i'm 23 this year, and never passed a day where i would forget that experience. 6 years and counting. He's been faithful, He's allowed me to grow. i've gone through some hard times, some happy times, and He's never farther then where i need Him most. there were times where i felt He was far away, but in fact it was myself who distanced myself from Him.

thank you Lord, for thinking about me. for You above all, deserve my entire heart. you know my heart's desire. and that particular desire is why i go home straight home from church as much as possible after service. i've been asking for the LONGEST time. you've added one to ur flock. now i ask for another two to be added. it hurts, yes it does, but i juz want you to know that here i am, ask and i will answer. send and i will go. speak and i will say. in Your time.

i can finally heave a sigh of relief... well, not totally, but somewhat. handed in my last two term papers. juz have one more presentation next week and i will be done. after that, i will charge straight for my exams. i really hope to do better this sem. if the trend has anything to show, i have to do better this sem, since it is sem 2. i mean i always did better in sem 2. heh. oh well.

now i juz can't wait for wed. i really need a break. BREAK! BREAK BREAK! REST! REST! REST! need to recharge those batteries.

argh! IPPT on the 12th. i wanna get gold! Ernest! juz shut your brain, and run as if Pauline Chia was begging you to marry her! wahaha... now that is a sick thought. i bet all my Outram frens noe wat i mean. heh!

and someone juz had a ball of a time spending my money online! he better make sure i dunno him. otherwise, i'll do something drastic!

exhausted

2007-03-31T20:44:00.000+08:00

been getting pretty tired these days. i've actually stopped my crazy idea of running 30km a week. this week, i think i can only manage 10km. sigh. i am really a slob.

for the past two weeks, i've been trying my best to keep up with the deadlines looming. come monday, all my work will be submitted, and i do not need to worry about it no more. now, i am done with writing all my papers. all i need to do is edit them and make sure it flows, plus i should try to reduce the amount of grammatical mistakes. hope that i can get a good grade for my soci papers. i have never done well for soci before. EVER! but i do enjoy studying it. i guess i am a lil like prof paulin eh? never did well. diff is she finally understood things, and up till now i dunno whether i regret my choice to major in soci or not.

btw, for this part, i'd like to thank YOU babe, for reminding me about my resolution to do honors. i guess for some time i have sorta given up on the idea becoz of my abysmal grades. i still do wanna do honors. guess i have to work extra hard for the next 3 sems. if i want it really badly, i guess i can do it. wait... it should be i WILL do it. so therefore, thanks once again babe. i know u'll read this post as u always do. =)

told myself i will take a break on wed. i desperately need it. i feel as though i am burning out. hope to juz sit back and chill. God knows how MUCH i am looking forward to wed. then come thur onwards, i will charge towards my exams. i need the endurance and the perseverance and all those other things that i have been telling these kids. if i used to be able to pull thru, there shouldn't be a reason y i'll nt make it. JUZ DO IT! heh.

and its nice to have intellectual intercourse with an open minded friend like u Shai. u have no idea hw much i enjoy talking to u abt our differing faiths. bcoz u r so well read in it, yet so willing to be open at the same time. i am never afraid of speaking my mind because i noe that as long as i justify my reasons arnd u, there's no reason for u to be cheesed off at me. so thanks for the eye opening msn chat earlier. though we missed each other by 2 yrs in JC, but the Big Man up there enabled us to meet up in NUS, and it is my honor and blessing to have known u. brudders and sistas 4eva man! hah!

ok, enough nonsense. will have to go and write my FINAL report for the week for Sports Sch. i said it countless times before, and i will say it again. I HATE WRITING REPORTS!!! it is probably the only aspect of my job that i HATE! but it is a necessary evil. sigh. now my only dream is..... get the facils to write the reports... now THAT is something i am SOOOOO looking forward to. it is a dream... but i am allowed to dream aren't i?

2007-03-28T22:50:00.000+08:00

why do people get married?
not for love
but for someone to be a witness to their lives
and for yourself to witness theirs
that is the reason why people get married so you will have a contract with someone to be there for you...always...

last min work

2007-03-27T11:12:00.000+08:00

damn i do hate last minute work. i never liked it. because of all the last minute shit that comes with poor planning, group project mates with differing timetables that led to many things can't be done asap. sigh. because of this nonsense, i haven't been able to run for 3 days straight. shit! i am feeling lethargic already!!! sigh.... did i say that i hated last minute work???

and i just can't wait for 2nd of April to come. once it comes, i'll take a whole day break on the 4th of april (Since i have school on the 3rd) to rest up. and starting on the 5th, i'll go all out to study for my exams. I MUST DO WELL!!!! RWAR!!!

anyway, i'm quite worried for Pee's poly application. i do hope he gets back to NYP.

AND THIS TUTORIAL IS SO SO SO SO BORING!!! I'M BORED TO TEARS..... *SOBZ*

sunrise

2007-03-25T22:00:00.000+08:00

never knew sunrises were that beautiful. i never knew that sunrises were so quick. but most importantly, the sunrise is probably the one thing that makes the day worth living for. because it is the thing that signifies the start of a brand new day. whatever crap that has gone on the day before, it is all erased with a brand new day. now i juz need someone to watch e sunrise with for the rest of my life.

Father

2007-03-21T10:04:00.000+08:00

make me dumb so i can speak through Your mouth. make me deaf so i can hear through Your ears. make me blind so i can see through Your eyes. make me stupid so i can think like You. kill my heart so that i can use Yours. i wanna think as You think. feel as You feel. speak as You speak. love as You love. i want to be like You.... but i'm not. all i ask is that i be less of myself and more of You as each day passes by. i be the lamp and You be the light.

another one of my nonsensical ramblings to start my crazy day off. papers to write. IPPT to train for. and i wanna get my $400 for IPPT. GOLD! if i can that is......

The True You

You want your girlfriend or boyfriend to be more open with you.

With respect to money, you spend as little as possible.

You think good luck depends on maintaining good relationships with others.

The hidden side of your personality tends to be satisfied to care for things with a minimal amount of effort.

You are tend to think about others' feelings a lot, perhaps because you are so eager to be liked.

When it comes to finding a romantic partner, you will search and search until you find your perfect match.

Who's The True You?

regrets

2007-03-20T08:01:00.000+08:00

it is funny how i have a love-hate relationship with my past mistakes. on one hand, i love it because it defines who i am, and from the mistakes of the past, i know what NOT to do anymore lest i wish to fall back down the same dark road. but on the other hand, past mistakes have this ability to catch up with you, and to make you feel like crap. it scares you and makes you doubt yourself and abilities. it makes your moral conscience drop down to ground zero, and the past just keeps playing back. you feel as though you'll never be able to right that particular wrong.

well, i guess in a way it is true. we are NEVER able to right a wrong committed in the past. no matter what we do, the past is gone. the only thing i can ever do is to be resolved to the fact that i should the same circumstances happen again, i will have to call on every ounce of my willpower to not fall into those same temptations.

now comes the biggest question, am i able to form that resolve? i am human aren't i? i am weak aren't i? why not accept it? but it is in my weakness that His strength and power is revealed. i shall be happy that i am a weak human, with low morals and easily tempted. so that when i overcome those periods of trials and tribulations, let my mouth not boast of my own success, but all glory be His. for He is good, and i can only be good thanks to He who loves me most.

sadomasochistic

2007-03-17T23:20:00.000+08:00

today, i've juz completed what i would consider one of the biggest hurdles of my 2nd year in nus, and that is the Singapore Biathlon. i think i enjoyed this year's race more then last year because this year, i felt that my timing was much better, and mentally, i was more determined to do well as compared to last year. so i guess that was the major difference. my timing isn't fantastic. there are people out there whose timings are way better then mine. but i am happy for my timing. with this result, i think i am now in the right state of mind to pull my CAP score higher then it's current abysmal level. i mean i do not intend to go honours already. but if i do wanna grad, at least i wanna grad with a merit. hope i do not lose this passion to do better then i set out to do. and i believe that my passion for endurance sports will last since now there are people who are willing to trod this path with me too. =)

kidz

2007-03-15T23:05:00.000+08:00

why are the two of you acting like children? i mean come on. you already are adults. can't you settle it like adults? what are you trying to prove by each trying to have your own way, without even considering what the other party wants? honestly, the two of you have BIG flaws. One of you talk too much and refuse to listen to the other party. The other doesn't like to talk and prefers to keep matters to yourself. How do you expect me to step in when the two of you aren't even attempting to help yourselves? IT SUCKS!!!!! grow up!!! i'm kind of tired from being the mediator between the two of you!

another thought

2007-03-12T21:52:00.000+08:00

since i am short on time, but i'd like to religiously blog, i shall keep it short and sweet.

when you have a couple who are going out seriously, one is a butch (a female who has assumed a male role with the haircut and suff), the other is a transvestite (male who dresses and acts like a female), is that a homosexual or heterosexual relationship.

what are your views? haha.... i like to screw with people's minds... hee

lala

2007-03-11T00:55:00.000+08:00

this will be a short post. i can't believe that i'd see the day i meet a carbon copy of myself in a female. it is so freaky. i'm juz glad we met, and i'll thrilled at the prospect of our potential friendship growing. cheerz

tired

2007-03-07T20:41:00.000+08:00

was tired from doing my reports or school work. so i decided to do some photoshopping to one of my narcissistic pics. sigh.... got more stuff to do as the days go by. to be honest, i enjoy training students then writing reports. but oh well, these are necessary evils. :(

2007-03-06T23:28:00.000+08:00

i never knew how difficult it was to feel. in the past, i never had problems knowing who i like. but now, i dun even think i have the capacity to like anyone anymore. i dunno if it is some kind of psychological effect or fear i have of relationships, or is it because i juz am not interested in getting into a relationship no more. the weirdest thing is that right now, i have no feelings watsoever for anyone of my female companions. is there something wrong? i mean in the past, i would have some form of superficial feelings for some of them. i would even ask them out juz to find out if there was some thing that could spark of an interest between us. but right now, i am juz so ambivalent about the whole thing. i no longer seem interested in dating no more. sigh. IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME??? or are my expectations for a life partner too high. or is it a bad thing that i am looking for someone whom i want to spend the rest of my life with? am i shunting aside the many potential women i know?

sometimes i feel that it is because i am adament about finding a christian girl that is causing me to be so picky about the women i am willing to date. some of my friends even say that i am very choosy, and i shouldn't be so. but isn't this a lifetime issue? shouldn't we place more clout on it? thats what i always think. as for my girl, i guess it could be a time of testing for me, that my dearest Father is putting me through. that He wants to be sure He is at the center of my life. right now, that's not happening. i should let Him be the center eh?

well, right now i juz wanna find back the feeling of wanting to date again. i mean i necessarily want to get into a serious relationship right now, but at least i feel the desire to want to go out. i feel that i lack a social life. my time is either spent working at HATC or at home or training for my biathlon races or for my academic interest. all those things are vying for my time.

p.s. to those i use to date, dun worry. you are not the cause of my current state. it is juz one of the quirks that i have. what to do, i am weird. heh.

death....... unto......me

2007-02-27T23:02:00.000+08:00

deadlines... argh!!! so much work to do.... think this sem is my hardest sem so far. having to work part time and to finish up all my assignments is no easy task man.... sigh.... furthermore, i think that working in a group has its downsides as well, since everyone has to wait for each other's work to be done in order to carry on. but i do hope that things go well. to be honest, i am most worried about my social work module because we haven't really gotten down to doing anything. sigh... as for my other modules.... i'll have to depend on myself to see it through since it is all individual papers. sigh.......... why oh why..... but i guess it is such assignments that keep us on our toes. anyway, gotta go. dun think i'll be posting anytime soon anyway..... from the looks of my timetable... i am screwed!

unlucky

2007-02-26T20:34:00.000+08:00

damn, i have been really unlucky so far.... lost my dad's bluetooth headset, then i've lost my own house key and my internet banking token... shikes!!!! what terrible luck. guess the piggy year is a crappy year for me man! argh!

juz a sick thought

2007-02-20T23:53:00.000+08:00

ok, i have here a thought. thanks to sheryl, now i can't get it out of my head..... i am not saying this is the right way, or that i am going to do it, but it is just a silly thought. if you wanna go hit someone, go hit her. not me.

well, it starts with Chinese New Year. since many people dun quite like it, and i mean the adults here, because they lose money, something like this can be done.

dun get married but have kids. wahaha! because firstly, your relatives will have to give your kids red packets since they are young, and you will get red packets since you aren't married. furthermore, you wun have to give red packets since you aren't married. whats more, all the money your kid gets will be yours.... win-win situation man! wahaha.....

but please do NOT do it.... like i said, it is just a stupid thought.... it is IMMORAL!!!!! and chinese new year is only once a year!... anyway, Happy new year to all yellow skin peeps out there.... may ya'll get many red packets..... juz dun forget to share them with me... hee

heavy stuff

2007-02-15T07:56:00.000+08:00

this post is with regard to my favourite topic on homosexuality. .... again. i dunno y i am so interested in it, but i juz am. well, as i was showering, a conversation that took place with a friend of mine went thru my head, and it went something like, 'do you think gays can be
christians?' and at tat time, my initial response was a definite NO WAY. there is no way in all of eart's existence that a christian can be gay. yet when i asked God why was something that was so blatantly correct reminded to me at an unearthly hour, He said to me, so are you a christian then? and that stumped me.

well, i am going through some issues, something that i believe many guys are also combating concurrently with me. it's got to do with sexual sin, or more specifically certain areas of sexual sin. some of my friends from church would know what i am talking about. we all know that the Bible, and Christ speaks strongly against it. yet, many times, and i'm sure almost all the men can attest to it fall into it as well. i hope i need not spell out what exactly. so in actual fact, i have sinned.

so then the link is, how am i different from a homosexual? after that thought process, i realize that i am actually NO DIFFERENT from a homosexual who claims to be christian. in fact i have been a hypocrite since the day i said gays can't be christians. similarly whenever i say vulgarities such as 'fuck, asshole, kan nee nah and the likes', i am no different to them in our Lord's eyes.

so i can only conclude that we as The Church of Christ are terribly blinded by our own pride. because we are so used to those parts of sexual sin or profanities, we see them as less of a sin then homosexuality. have we ever stopped to consider the great battle that is embroiled within them, the very same battle that we are facing each day with our own human sinful struggles?

i guess i am just voicing out my own frustrations at how low i perceive the Church has gone down to, or i could actually be speaking with the heart of our Lord. i feel it is the latter, but some of you
may think i am biased. anyhow, this is all i have to say. i admit this is my own reflections.

and to end off, i am not trying to discount Christianity but to question what we have been doing in our Lord's love.

I'm back!

2007-02-11T23:51:00.000+08:00

hope this is a good start to regular blogging. i dunno when i will stop since i have been so busy with work and school work. i do enjoy my work, meeting people, but sometimes it does get a little tiring. oh well, guess i can only find refuge in my Lord. He gives me the rest i need.

i woke up this morning to a very interesting sms sent by Grace (at an unearthly hour of 7am. who the hell is up at that time on SUNDAYS!!!!). anyway, she asked for a book on Christianity, and i was pleasant surprised at this because she happened to be someone who has somehow lost her faith in the Lord through the happenings in her life. her family has been forcing her to go to church although she doesn't feel like it (i never felt people should be forced to go to church, that is why i am so ashamed about the Crusades). but that she is finding interest in Christ, i can only feel happy, not for myself.

currently i am praying for two of my friends to come to know of my Lord. i shan't say who they are, but they are dear friends of mine who have taken a nonchalant stance towards christianity. i dun blame them because there are many things that christianity does that i am ashamed about. but i know that in time to come, they will juz know Christ.

ok, i know many people would be thinking this is a Christ crazed person here, so i shall write about something of my life. Sigh... i will be going for a threesome come valentine's day. the girl we'll be going out with is so happy coz she'll be out with two guys... sighz... but the two of us feel like we're losers since we are unable to get our own individual dates... Bro, we are losers man... but it is ok. come next year, you'll find a date, and i will sure as hell get a girl too! wahaha. yup! but this year i will spend valentine's with dear friends rather then with a darling. well, out of 23 years of my life i have spent about 19 or 20 years without a girl i am interested in, so i guess there's no big deal about it.

on a sadder note, two of my bestest friends will be leaving the country this year. Shao is leaving the following week, and Kunal come July. sighz, the whole world has left me, pee and ry alone in this desolate island. seems like the place will be a lil quieter from this year forth. sigh.... oh well, when you gotta go, you gotta go. maybe if my funds are alright, i will visit them when my timing is alright. until then, it is back to school work, more research, more deadlines, more time spent on my lappy till my eyes go blind, and more work assignments at the various schools. story of my life.

rant trant prant

2007-02-10T00:04:00.000+08:00

well, i guess this week has been a pretty good week for me. it was also a snowball from the previous week as last week was pretty good as well. work at HATC has been pretty awesome. not that the company is all that great. i mean it is a good company, but the one thing i can't stand about that company is that everyone seems to work really late hours, it is crazy. and i for one can't stand working till late. i mean i was already complaining when i worked at my mum's office and got back at 10pm. these people are crazier.

but when i said work, i mean going down to the various schools and touching the lives of these students. every single time, i go down, i only have one mission in my mind. that is to tell these kids the mistakes i made in the past, and hope they do not fall into the same pitholes i once fell into. when i do the various programs, i am very open and very honest to these kids, and it really makes my day when they remember you and open up their lives as well. it is really sad that so many of our young these days lack in confidence. the system is such that those who either belong to a lower class rank or school rank tend to fall behind. i feel this sucks, but i can't do much to change the system. all i can do is to assert positive attitudes in them.

and i wanna thank alex for that very awesome audit/debrief that day. until that time, i felt that i always lacked that extra something to make my program delivery more impactful and meaningful for the kids, and it was thanks to him that i finally understood what was missing. i can't promise the next program i do will be terrific, but i can promise it will be better then the previous one. and this time, i will speak from my heart and head, rather then through my mouth.

thats all the good part. now i have to get through my papers. so many to do, and the holidays are coming up. i still do not understand so many parts of my modules, although i am conscientiously attending my lectures. sigh, i guess such things happen when you want to get an education, yet need to worry about putting food on the table, and also to have some money ready in case my family needs to utilize the cash. sometimes i wish i need not work so hard despite my enjoying what i do, and focus all my attention on my school work. but i know that, and after today's cell meeting, i can do anything, as long as i rely on my Lord for guidance and strength, and just be contented with how my life is going right now.

oh btw, did i mention i need a date for valentine's day???? wahaha.... nah i am kidding. i think it is stupid to go out on that day. everything will be SOOOOO ex!

p.s. can someone tell me what is so attractive about gals from the east??? i juz can't understand it!

Demonic Visitation

2007-02-07T22:22:00.000+08:00

i am sure most of you would go "what on earth" when you see this message. but i assure you that everything i am about to say here would be steered towards the title.

well, this is a true account of something that took place 2 to 3 nights ago when i was lying on my bed falling asleep. maybe some of you have had the experience before but i am sure many have not. i never had such an experience prior to then. as i was lying down about to fall asleep, suddenly i felt as though some kind of pressure was applied onto my entire body. i could not speak, i could not move. the only think that was still functioning was my mind. i couldn't even open my eyes (i was still breathing so i guess that functioned as well). in my head i could hear demonic voices taunting me in languages i never could understand. was i scared, you bet. i mean i could hear my mum and brother talking outside my room, but there was nothing i could do to get their attention since i was already immobilized. i wanted to pray but my lips did not respond to my mind. you could say i kinda felt detached from my body. so i did the next most logical thing. i focused all my willpower on the cross on which our savior died on, and true enough as He has promised in Phil 4:13, i found strength. the more i gotten strength from Him, i was then able to regain my vocal functions and started to pray in tongues. slowly i gained control over my body and felt the pressure leaving me. i was saved by the power i never deserved.

why did i share this? well, i am still trying to understand why was i put through such an ordeal. but more importantly, it served to strengthen my wavering faith in our Savior (which still wavers from time to time) and ultimately, i want to just share it coz i feel compelled to.

thats all, sorry for ranting like this. juz needed to get it off my chest.

problems

2007-01-23T00:33:00.000+08:00

tutorial week starts from tomorrow. guess the time when i have most of the time for myself is long gone. i look at my time-table and i am happy that i only spend 2 days in school going for lessons. i have told myself that i will not give a single lesson a miss unless i am physically unable to.

but then i have my other commitments. biathlon trainings, work at HATC which is really getting overloaded, furthermore, i dunno if i will be promoted or not, and church.... it has gotten pretty intense on all fronts. biathlon because the competition is coming up. i haven't been able to make the team, but i still feel as part of the team. they are a wonderful bunch of people who share the passion for the sport and the love for fun. on the HATC front, since i have a two day week, i am slated for more trainings and more sessions with schools. which means slightly more money for me, but it usually is only enough to cover my transport fees and insurance premium.... hence i am broke... sigh, i need the pay rise..... and on the church front... well, am getting more interested in the discussion topics. a christian i may be, but i have hardly been happy about the way christians have gone about doing some of the things they do. so i wanna trash it out with those who are more biblical knowledgable then me.

anyway, would like to say that those of you whom have shared your problems with me, i am sorry i cannot be the person who can solve it for you. in fact, i think sometimes i am the cause of the problem. i feel bad that sometimes such things happen, but we can't help the course of the happenings. i can only say that with each passing day, the problem will attempt to solve itself. so all we can do is to allow the problems to take its time to unravel itself.

this is the first time i did not use any 'Christian' helpline or something along those lines. but believe me that it has Christian principles engraved within it. i am nt happy about the way Christians have done some of the things, but my love for the Trinity God remains, and can only grow stronger..... in time to come.

btw, the movie i saw today for my social theory class.... i really do not know what on earth it was trying to say.... sigh... i do hope we watched the right one.... otherwise i'd really be pissed. anyway, Lee Hsien Long's son is really not that bad. i mean he took the trouble to borrow the LD when the rest of us were juz passively sitting there waiting for things to happen. no doubt he is a little weird by most of our standards, but i think he is pretty well-mannered.... wouldn't mind getting to know him though.... (i hope i dun regret wat i ask for)

warui

2007-01-20T22:35:00.000+08:00

sheesh, didn't realise how long it has been since i last blogged. was caught up with work, both school and at HATC. can't believe that so much time has past since i juz got back from NZ. but it juz felt like yesterday that i was white water rafting, bungee jumping and canyoning. sigh. i do miss those days.

well, school has been all right so far. i am still trying to stay afloat on all my scholarly endeavours. i think i have given up on moving onto honours year. if i am able to make it on to there, it can ONLY be because God has helped me. because i know that it is impossible by my own, but everything and anything is possible throught Him whom i love so much.

anyway, i had a really good time at cell on friday. i mean i opened up beyond levels i never thought i could to Glenn and Paul. i believe that my Father's love will continue and strengthen me.

anyway, was glad to have cleared up one of my misconceptions about another church. i know i am being vague here, but please bear with me. i dun wish to point out that church. yet at least.

on the whole, i do hope to better my NUS Bi and Sing Bi timings this year. my running has deproved beyond all measure. i run like a snail. sigh.... guess i will have to focus more on my running from now on. more long long long runs, and lesser swims since i am already quite set for my swim.

till next time

2007-01-02T22:39:00.000+08:00

ok, i know i haven't post any blogs in a long time. will try to do so religiously from now on... try. anyway, here's my journal from my new zealand trip. i do hope to add pics to it once i get them. but for now, juz suffice with my thoughts ok?

8th Dec
In just a couple of hour time, I will be airborne! Yes! The wait is over. After months of planning (which I seriously played a very small part in), the four of us, Shao Wei, Kunal, Pei Wen and myself are finally going to New Zealand! I seriously cannot wait. I just hope that I will be able to fall asleep tonight. Somehow, I just feel that the exhilaration, excitement would prevent me from doing so. Anyway, I just pray that God will protect us while we are away, and bless us with a wonderful and fruitful time abroad. And in all honesty, may our friendship bond grow stronger through this trip.

9th Dec
I’m finally on board the aircraft. Well, things did not really start out right due to some system fault. Brings back this idea that Ritzer came up with, the irrationality of rationality. Seems that as we attempt to make things run as efficiently as possible, things just never seem to work out right. But thankfully, all of us managed to board. Kudos o God on that! He really does answer prayers! Now I just hope that our flight would be a safe one, and we would enjoy ourselves when we get to Auckland. And I pray in faith that Shao’s prayer, which also happens to be a personal prayer of mine, would come to pass.

10th Dec
Well, we didn’t really start off very well. Conflicts started to crop up already. I just hope that it is solely due to the fact that most, or almost all of us survived on very little sleep. Anyhow, let this not be a bad start to a wonderful holiday…… Didn’t really sleep properly thanks to an excited mind, uncomfortable chairs, and the stupid buggy like contraption that came by throughout the night. Anyway, the sunrise here is AWESOME! Now I know how God felt (somehow) when he saw the first sunrise.

11th Dec
Today was like outfield man. Canyoning was awesome! Although it was something like Brunei, the biggest difference was the weather. It was so cool, that we hardly perspired. That was why I was so happy yesterday. But the only sad thing was the duration of it. Too short! Argh! Now I am quite tempted to do such things as part of my job in the future. Oh Boy! I do not know what to do now! So fickle. But either way, today was good fun. Felt so nice to see nature at her best, and so personal. I do hope that I will be able to come back here and do it alone or with someone else. Hopefully by then, I’ll have a girlfriend. Now that’s something to look forward to. Hehe. On a side note, food here is SO EXPENSIVE! Shit! I am so broke man!

12th Dec
Today was an awesome day. We didn’t really do anything exciting as compared with yesterday, but what was more important was the view. Yup! The view at Waihi Beach, compared to the sights we see back home, are all rubbish. The water was clear, and definitely way cleaner then the sea back home. Another interesting aspect about the beaches is the fact that they appear crystalline. You can basically see the beach sparkling. Then we drove down to Roturua, where we headed down to the Maori village to experience a taste of tribal life. Personally, I didn’t enjoy it because it looked so fake. But I really enjoyed the Haka. I seriously thought it was awesome, and if the SAF could implement it, then I would think our fighting force would level up. On the way back, Kunal got called up by the guide to lead songs singing and to talk a little bit about ourselves. It was too bad that the video camera’s battery went dead (thanks to Pee), otherwise, we could have taken it down on tape. Oh well…

13th Dec
Today could be considered one of the ‘unexciting’ days of the tour. We mostly drove, while making pit stops at Taupo, Napier and rested the night at Palmerston North. Taupo was a scenic pit stop, where the view was spectacular. We saw the mini waterfall (I can’t remember the name of it now). Then we saw Lake Taupo (which is the size of Singapore). It was so beautiful, that words just don’t do justice to the sights we see. After that, it was down to Palmerston North, which is quite boring. But Hell’s pizza was good. Wish they would open one back in Singapore.

14th Dec
The start of today was really slow. It was mainly driving from where we were (Palmerston North) to Wellington. That was where we met Kat. It’s been so long since I’ve seen her. The last time I saw here was at the airport, where Kunal, Ryan and myself sent her off to New Zealand. It was really nice to finally catch up with her after so long. One thing about her, that I really admire is her generosity. Something that I am still eons away from. We had lunch at a dim sum restaurant where she ordered enough food to feed 2 families. The four of us ate till we couldn’t stuff anything more down our throats. After lunch, we walked along the coast and chatted for a bit. Realized then that God had done many good things in their lives (Kat and Axel). How when they were nearing their wits end, God sent someone their way and offered accommodation. Many other wonderful things are coming their way, that is something that I foresee as well. On a side note, they are currently putting up at Plimmerton. It is a really BEAUTIFUL place. Pictures just do not do justice to the views we have seen there. I WANT TO LIVE THERE!!! Now I want to go on an exchange program to New Zealand. That is something I am putting in God’s hands now. His will be done. After that we had some REALLY good steaks (Pee had lamb chops which were awesome as well) they were at least an inch thick. That is something we don’t get back home. After that, we headed to the pub so as to allow Kunal to get his beer fix. Unfortunately he didn’t manage to drink to his heart content due to time constraints. I do hope he is really satisfied. At the end of our ‘meeting’ with Kat and Axel, it felt really awkward because we wanted time to slow down or even stop. I am now looking forward to our next gathering back in Singapore. To end off, I WANT TO LIVE IN PLIMMERTON!!!

15th Dec
Well, today was quite boring. That was because most of the time, we were traveling most of the time. Good thing was that the weather was marvelous even right up till the ‘river crossing’. The sun was up, and the wind was just perfect. Ended up in Westport which really sucked. Not that the people were bad. They were nice, save for one really racist person who kept spitting and hurling verbal abuses at us. Hope we do not encounter more of such people because it really put a damper on our stay here.

16th Dec
It was another day of intense driving. But this time round, the sights were just awesome. Another reason for Pee to go off to cam whore. I guess we are right when we say that Pee views NZ through the lens despite us repeatedly saying that the camera does not do justice to the sights and sounds that NZ offers. The next time I come back to NZ, I will definitely go past Arther’s Pass. It is truly magnificent. Nature is truly beautiful. Right now I just feel remorseful about how I felt towards nature back then in the army. I hope that I won’t feel like that ever again. We also went on to see Fox Glacier, which was really beautiful. I’ve said it once andi’ll say it again, words and pictures do not do it justice. Seeing it is the way to go. On a side note, we did some crazy shit today that we captured on film, and we had a good laugh while reviewing it. Can’t wait to get back to Singapore to watch the end product.

17th Dec
Today was quite a nice day. Met two girls, Larissa and Rinnie at Wanaka Bakpaka. Had a wonderful dinner prepared by the four of us, with the cooking handled by our two marvelous chefs, Kunal and Shao. We had 4 steaks, 6 lamb shoulders, potato salad, wine, salad. Just wonderful. And after the dinner, we went for a nice stroll along the lake and just had fun making foolds out of ourselves. But other than that, we just had a great time looking at the sights that God created. It was just wonderful. How I wish my holidays in NZ would last longer, but I know that’s never going to happen.

18th Dec
Probably did something really tiring. Climbed up Mount Roy, which is 1578m high. It took us 4 hours to get up, and 2 hours to get down. But all in all, the reward at the end of the climb was worth it. The view was great, but at the cost of my thighs, together with Shao’s having spells of cramps while walking up. Next, we went down to Queenstown where we met more friends like Bettina and Tomoko. Not forgetting Keiko from Wanaka Bakpaka. This is what backpacking is all about. Meeting people from different parts of the world, talking to one another and just having a good time. This is all made possible through better transportation and English. Yeah!

19th Dec
Today is the day that we have all been waiting for. It is the day that we are doing both white water rafting and bungy jumping (up till this time, I always thought that it was spelt as bungee). White water rafting was real fun. The people we were with were good fun to be with. There was also a moment when our raft nearly overturned, and unfortunately for Pee, he flew out of the raft and was swept down the rapids. Luckily nothing awful happened to him, and he was lucky enough to have gone in because it looked like so much fun. Next was the bungee. I did a ‘Hard Gay’ man! Ufooooo! Haha. It was awesome. We even bought the DVD package which set us back by NZ$80. Guess I’ll have to work harder when I get back home. On a shitty note, Kunal’s video funnily enough did not come out on our personal video. I was the videoman when he jumped and I was very sure I pushed the record button, but somehow it did not show. Now I feel so bad and I do not know how to make up for it. But I am still glad that we are still friends after the incident. Thank God for that!

20th Dec
Milford Sound was the place that we headed to today. However, it was the sights en route to Milford Sound that I enjoyed most. It was because of the lack of human commercialism along the way. We were able to stop along rivers, roadsides to view the mountains which were just beautiful. I really dislike the fact that people had to set up ferry terminals, that destroyed the picturesque view that God single-handedly created for us to admire. It is human greed I tell you. Ma it is so pissing! Oh well, the good thing is that the hostel we are putting up at is run by a really nice lady, and is very well kept. If I do come back here again, I would love to stay at the very same place.

21st Dec
Today was a day of intense driving. Well, at least the breakfast of pies, sausages and milk was filling. I wonder if I will able to have such a filling breakfast when I get back home. Lunch was a little sad though. Went to Invercargil, a place where it was touted to have really fresh and delicious seafood. But it wasn’t as delicious as I hoped it to be. Or most probably we’ve gone to a really sucky seafood joint. On another note, we did not manage to o to the various places we listed out thanks to yours truly (I swear I did not see the road signs). Oh well, guess the other route we took was quite nice as well (to me that is). Well, right now I’m feeling sleepy. Got an ass long drive ahead of us tomorrow. Need sleep.

22nd Dec
Just two more days till I’m homebound. Right now, I am just feeling bad because of the number of people I kept awake with my snores. I hope I will not keep my roommates up with my snores this time round. Anyway, today was quite a torture because they went to a cheese factory to taste cheese. I, for one have weird reactions to it. I do not know why, but it just happens. Anyway, right now, I do not know what to get for mum because I have not seen anything that caught my fancy. I hope I do end up finding some nice artifacts or stuff like that. Today’s personal favourite scenic spot was at Lake Tekapo. Now I wish to either own a home at Wanaka, Plimmerton, Lake Tekapo or Lake Taupo. I do not know why, but I just enjoy being near water. Oh well, time for bed. Hope I will not snore too loudly this time round.

23rd Dec
The weather today spoilt our paragliding plans. But to be honest, I did not regret it, because I felt that I had already spent a fair amount of money on the trip. And the fact that we incurred additional costs from the scratch on the car and speeding ticket just dampened my mood. So in a way, I was thankful that the weather was not suitable for paragliding. But anyhow, I enjoyed the delicious breakfast that we had today. I swear that if I had a breakfast like that every single day, I’d be FAT. There were muffins, hash browns, bacon, baked beans, eggs, tomatoes and beef sausages. And that’s breakfast! My goodness. That’s how much we Singaporeans are missing out on man. Today was also our very nice dinner, and we went down to Sophie’s on a recommendation from the guy at the hostel. Unfortunately, we all felt it was over-hyped. The food was so-so, but the wine was good. I felt that all that matters is the company. Another interesting thing we did was to visit a museum, but I felt it was all staged. I must admit it was very informative. Well, tomorrow is the day we’re flying back home. Shit!

ass long.....

2006-12-07T01:14:00.001+08:00

my goodness, has it actually been that long since i last blogged? well, had been busy with my exams man. gosh, exams, the dreaded word that rings the closure to the end of a semester. and the start of another cycle. will there be no end to this nonsense? i dun think i shall be philosophical at this stage.

this is dedicated to you babe, get well soon, and seriously kill the bugger who sold you bad food. make sure he pays for your medical fees man! it is so blardy unfair! the suffering you had gone thru juz for it! KILL HIM (or her, as i shall be genderly unbiased) =)

well, i dunno, i mean i felt the same last sem, i felt that i din do too badly. but somehow, the results dun always reflect my expectation. i am juz hoping that this sem, i will see my cap rise higher then before, and bring me that much closer to doing honours. like i said earlier, i have a mission now after seeing something in SSS with my own two eyes. please God, help me.

back to the exams, i think i will do worst for my tourism and religion paper as i feel that i somehow lost my writing touch today. but especially so with my religion paper as i had a terrible headache into my second question. i think i will be lucky if i can get away with a B- grade. i mean i hope for a much higher grade, but then i shall not ask for more. oh well, everything is in my Lord's hands.

anyway, on to more happy stuff, i will be leaving for New Zealand in 2 days time. YAY! i think this will be my first REAL holiday where i will experience the culture of the individual locations rather then juz going to a place to spend spend spend. i really hate spending money, especially on things that i can get back home. i am expecting a fun trip with my buddies pee, dutt and shao. can't wait to land up in NZ man. i believe it is a well deserved break after such a tiring sem. taking 3 lvl 3 modules. i shall never attempt such a fiasco again. ever!..... ok i take that back, i dun think it is possible for me not to take lvl 3 modules in such a capacity.

ok, i think the lack of slp has addled (did i spell that correctly?) my brain. shall blog more in the days leading up to my trip to NZ!! woohoo!

ass long.....

2006-12-07T01:14:00.000+08:00

God help me

2006-11-21T23:32:00.000+08:00

i have form my resolve to make it to honours year. not because i want to get the honours degree so as to earn that couple of extra bucks when i enter the working world, or to make my parents head big by the fact that they have an honours grad son, but because i wanna write a thesis on something i see in Singapore. something i observed in Singapore Sports School. i pray i will remember this should i make it to honours. God help me.

And i pray for a miracle, that i will be that much closer to making it to honours. i am bloody desperate. very very very desperate in fact. help me!

Angel

2006-11-19T20:48:00.000+08:00

stamford sent me this. i pray that i can be an angel to you who is reading this as well. and that someday, i will help you out in your time of need.

Psalm 55:22 --- you really need to read this."Friends are God's way of taking care of us." This was written by a Hospice of Metro Denver physician.

I just had one of the most amazing experiences of my life, and wanted to share it with my family and dearest friends:

I was driving home from a meeting this evening about 5, stuck in traffic on Colorado Blvd., and the car started to choke and splutter and die - I barely managed to coast, cursing, into a gas station, glad only that I would not be blocking traffic and would have a somewhat warm spot to wait for the tow truck. It wouldn't even turn over. Before I could make the call, I saw a woman walking out of the "quickie mart" building, and it looked like she slipped on some ice and fell into a Gas pump, so I got out to see if she was okay.

When I got there, it looked more like she had been overcome by sobs than that she had fallen; she was a young woman who looked really haggard with dark circles under her eyes. She dropped something as I helped her up, and I picked it up to give it to her. It was a nickel.

At that moment, everything came into focus for me: the crying woman, the ancient Suburban crammed full of stuff with 3 kids in the back (1 in a car seat), and the gas pump reading $4.95.

I asked her if she was okay and if she needed help, and she just kept saying "I don't want my kids to see me crying," so we stood on the other side of the pump from her car. She said she was driving to California and that things were very hard for her right now. So I asked, "And you were praying?" That made her back away from me a little, but I assured her I was not a crazy person and said, "He heard you, and He sent me."

I took out my card and swiped it through the card reader on the pump so she could fill up her car completely, and while it was fueling, walked to the next door McDonald's and bought 2 big bags of food, some gift certificates for more, and a big cup of coffee. She gave the food to the kids in the car, who attacked it like wolves, and we stood by the pump eating fries and talking a little.

She told me her name, and that she lived in Kansas City. Her boyfriend left 2 months ago and she had not been able to make ends meet. She knew she wouldn't have money to pay rent Jan 1, and finally in desperation had finally called her parents, with whom she had not spoken in about 5 years. They lived in California and said she could come live with them and try to get on her feet there.

So she packed up everything she owned in the car She told the kids they were going to California for Christmas, but not that they were going to live there.

I gave her my gloves, a little hug and said a quick prayer with her for safety on the road. As I was walking over to my car, she said, "So, are you like an angel or something?"

This definitely made me cry. I said, "Sweetie, at this time of year angels are really busy, so sometimes God uses regular people."

It was so incredible to be a part of someone else's miracle. And of course, you guessed it, when I got in my car it started right away and got me home with no problem. I'll put it in the shop tomorrow to check, but I suspect the mechanic won't find anything wrong.

Sometimes the angels fly close enough to you that you can hear the flutter of their wings...

Psalms 55:22 "Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and He shall sustain thee. He shall never suffer the righteous to be moved."

Crunch Time

2006-11-13T20:31:00.000+08:00

今、影分身のじゅつがほしいですよ！　ナルトの力、貸して下さい！

sorry, juz feel kinda stressed.... i noe its impossible, but one can hope rite? hee. oh well... shan't blog for some time. will be married to my sch library, my fav lush station, and the mountain of notes that await me. hope they'll be able to stay in my brain. :S

unopened gifts

2006-11-04T01:07:00.000+08:00

Juz got a hold of this poem, or story, watever you may wanna call it from uncle bc. thanks brother. i think this has caused some understanding within me that i have suspected for some time. that i have some gifts from my Maker that i haven't unlock yet, but they lie dormant inside of me, waiting to be released. these gifts refer to my spiritual gifts, and all i have to do is to ask my Maker to show them to me, and allow Him to unlock them. i think it is a frightening and exciting experience because i will never know what i will get. it is likened to a boy opening up Christmas presents on Christmas day, thinking of what lies under the wrapping. tHaNk GoD!

"How come you've left so many gifts unopened on the floor? They have your name on them, they belong to you, they are yours for the taking---if only you will receive them. What is that you say? That they can't be yours, you have your share already. They must be someone else's. There must be some mistake? You're afraid of what so-and-so will say when they see you unwrapping that gift---you fear their reaction, their envy. Go on open up your package, see what is inside your gift box. You'll be amazed at how I knew exactly what to give you---the perfect fit for you right now---in fact, just what you've always wanted, but you didn't even know it. Go on open it! You can trust me. I am the master gift-giver. I never make mistakes, or give the wrong size, or color, or fit. But, please do hurry and open it, to enjoy it and to share it with others, so they can benefit from your gift too. That's my whole purpose for giving gifts...not for you to put them back in the box, to keep them safe, or even put them in a glass cabinet, to look at and admire. No, all my gifts are for my children to use, to help their brothers and sisters, not to make anyone else jealous or feel less fortunate. As I said, I see a number of unopened packages, gift wrapped especially for you. They are yours. I'm right here, waiting, longing to see you unwrap them, and to see the look of joy and wonder on your face."

alriiiiiite

2006-11-01T23:39:00.000+08:00

this is a short blog

kudos to ma black brother! mr DUTT! (",) you know wat i'm talkin abt

pain

2006-10-31T23:32:00.000+08:00

ouch it hurts!

incoherent ramblings

2006-10-25T22:53:00.000+08:00

work is kinda getting to me. sigh... papers to complete. think i bitched about this so i have decided not to blog about it. if i haven't i suppose you can ask any other NUS student and they will tell you that during this time of the year or sem, it is the most stressful coz all the deadlines fall arnd this time. shucks!

well, on a good note, i have time on the weekends to do my papers coz i dun have worship practice or worship duty. that means i have to go back to school to complete my soci of pop culture paper after sunday service. my goodness! why am i still onto the topic of my papers... shall move on to something else

today went down to gan eng seng sec sch to do a program on dining and etiqette(think my spelling is realli bad). well, i din do the prog, the full timer did the teaching. all i did was stand arnd and maintained the status quo, at the same time stoned till kingdom comes. well, at least lunch was provided for and it was western. i can't complain there. i mean i saved money on that. but in the end, i went to holland v and spent money there at starbucks. well, now i have found another reason to go there but it shall be between me and God. :) anyway, back to gesss, i really wanted to slap the male teacher there. i mean bloody hell! i have never met a more arrogant teacher in my entire life! one incident which made me come a hair's width to smacking him was this. he wanted to give the extra packets of food to his colleagues and asked me... well, he more of requested that the food be given to the staff then asked... but you prob get the point. the i replied saying something along the lines of "it should be no problem, but let me inform the coach(he's the overall in charge) and see what he has to say. FREAKING HELL! he gave me the "WTF face". its like he owns the food and he thinks nothing of me. i mean come on man, i have to at least tell the guy in charge rite? CHAIN OF COMMAND... haven u heard of it from the army? or maybe ur fat ass din get the opportunity to serve ur nation in this manner? (this is not intended to demean people who are on the chubby side, but i am juz getting at this fool of a took in any ways necessary. please do nt get offended). arse! you were lucky i was informed to hold my tongue in check, and act professionally. otherwise, i will make a hell lot of fuss till ur ass is whooped by the principal... PIG!

well, that felt good.... after letting off some steam, it feels good. hope he reads it... lemme at him! anyway, think i am majorly screwed for the exams...i can only rely on my lord's saving grace. i am honestly not too worried abt doing too well. i mean if i do well then ok, its great. but if i dun do well, then i'll juz regard it that i am not cut out for the university system. probably should've chosen the poly path back then.

shall hit the sack now. sigh.... slpy... zzzZZzzzZZzz

i realise i miss doing this

2006-10-21T16:34:00.000+08:00

realised that there is something that i truly miss doing. ever since i came to uni and got bogged down by all the schoolwork, i have begun to do less and less of it. that is talking with friends even though it is only for a short while. not in a group coz i dun think it is a good thing, i mean you gotta spread out your attention and focus if its in a group. but rather one on one.

juz saw yuxuan juz before i went for my soci of tourism (which i din really pay attention to) lecture. it was great, i mean juz sitting there, talking about who we have lost contact with, the increasing prominscuity of the students in our alma mater, our plans for the future, our struggles with sch etc. even if it was only for a measely 15 min or so. but i felt it was like good, leisurely productive time spent, rather then being cooped up either in the library or at home, rushing to meet deadlines that always appear to draw closer.

then i met brandon on the way to the bus stop to head to church for cell. i haven seen that dude in a long time since school started. and boy has he grown fat (not that i haven grown fat too). and we were juz talking about running. and i was feeling kinda guilty about my lack of participation in biathlon because of the intensity of my term paper requirements and how the deadlines are one after the other. i really want to go for training. i miss swimming, i miss running, i miss sweating out all the stress and problems, but yet i am in bondage with my work, which i know that if i dun put in my due work, i can forget about ever staying on in uni. but brandon is doing fine.. i mean he muz be, otherwise he wouldn't be that prosperous rite? haha, no offence bro.... and btw, i think ur pudgy fren can run faster then the two of us combined... haha....

its funny how in the span of 3 hours, which seriously felt like one after the other, i met jimmy on the bus on the way to holland v, where my church is at. we were juz talking about how forgetful he is, hw fun those army times were, comparing whether his memory is better or mine is better (i think i win hands down there.... haha) and i find it intriging that he is a people observer... something like me, as in we like to analyse people and reason the ways people behave and y they think the way they think... haha something that i thought i was the only one boliao enough to do...

i guess its amazing how God has brought to mind how people mean to me, i mean i always felt, and especially recently, so far and cut off from people that i know. i think dutt can attest to that coz he was also rambling to me. may i never draw far from those whom i hold dear.

papers

2006-10-19T22:49:00.000+08:00

this will be short... juz so that my blogging engine will continue. if not i will turn rusty.

papers to hand in.... argh! tonnes of them. can't wait for the time when i dun need to hand in any more papers. that way i can concentrate on studying for my exams, and hopefully full up my abysmal cap. may God's grace be with me. :)

haven been a good boy. God knows what i have done. well... need to do some reflection, and a lil more devoted quiet time, rather then the wham bang thank you mam kind. i know its not good, but sometimes, i juz get so drowsy that it ends up too fast too furious... more like i am fast and He is furious. :S

anyway, can't wait to fly... not on a plane, but on maybe a parachute or paraglider or bungee... NZ NZ NZ NZ NZ NZ!!! muahaha... can't wait... who knows, it could be my home when i intend to migrate there after 5 years of working in this dirthole... :P

time flies, when we are having fun... facil is so fun, when the kids are fun... if not, argh! juz wanna kill them. i hope i can forget the incident, something that really pissed me off, something thats gotta do with religious behaviour... Muslims... can't believe that they could do something to their own brother.... especially during Ramadan... the non-Muslims weren't any better.... makes me wanna slap them silly... pui!!! stupid kidz.... FORGET IT ERNEST! its not worth remembering....

and stupid gay 15 year old kid.... i aint gay, so pls dun try to hit on me... stupid prick! go look for guys who are interested in guys... i am interested in gals... if onli gals showed as much interest in me as did this gay dude... sigh... oh well... at least the ppl today were nice... clementi woods... hope you guys dun end up with too much problems... will keep ya in my prayers... :)

ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZz

ramblings

2006-10-08T23:39:00.001+08:00

just realised that i haven been blogging properly since some time already. guess i miss the 'lor soh' persona of mine. well, now that he is back, its time to get down to business.

school... haha, well, hmm, erm.... its bad... coz last week was the week after the term break and i din feel like doing much work. i mean i sorta gave up religiously reading the assigned readings coz i wanted to do things on my own pace. so after the mid term, i have decided to do wat i wanna do, and study wat i wanna study (but still in line with the module). hopefully this will help. i mean i am doing things that interest me rather than wat is told to me. juz hope that my results wun fall. i mean its bad already. how much worst can it get? dun think i should say it too soon. sigh. wat a sucky life i lead. to follow or not to follow. if i dun follow, who knows the consequences that awaits me. kinda like us singaporeans. listen to the gov and things will turn out smoothly. but go off the beaten track and two destinations await you. one of complete failure, or greater success. shall risk it all and leave everything in the hands of God.

which brings me to another point abt my wonderful Lord. i am sad that i am unable to live a life that comes even close to what He lived when he was here. comparing Him with me, i am worst then an ant. insignificant. but then he has taught and shown me that as long as i trust Him, no matter how many times i have fallen, He will always help me up. when there are times when i can't carry on, He will set me on Him and he will bear the burden. there will doubtless be times when He will hide away so to test me in faith. i have been tested. times i failed, times i shined. i still fail in many areas. but in my weakness, there His strength shall show.

for those who dunno, i had gone thru some shitty times. family side din look too good on one point. i felt so down, that i gave up. in a last ditch effort, i juz told God to take control. i said i have tried everything in my power to make it better. but by my own strength i accomplished nothing. so then i juz surrender everything to Him. asking Him to make it better, but not enforcing it. i juz allowed His will be done. good thing is, things seem to be looking good. i know that it wun last. i know that problems will still arise in time to come. i know that no matter how happy days come, it will still lead back to sad. but i shall treasure the happy ones, and allow my being to be a vessel for His work. that much i can do. now i can only hope that my family will come to know of Him. right now i am happy that my brother is attending church. City Harvest. i know some people have misgivings abt that place. i been to their services and i liked it, but din feel that it suits me. but at least my brother is there, closer to knowing abt christ then he was. i am hoping that he isn't there bcoz of some chick or coz of his friends. to me, its kinda missing the point. i can onli hope in faith that he will love my Lord.

the next thing is my parents. i can onli pray that in due time they would go back to God. not as a God that grants their wishes of wealth, or a problem free life, or their human desires, but as a God who desires a relationship with them. my dream is that we can come together as a family every nite before we head off to our rooms to pray for each other. to allow God to be among us, leading us in our lives day in day out. that He be first, not as a condition.

leanna is going thru some tough times now. i hope she is ok. i mean i know some of the problems she is going through, things that i can't talk abt here. but then i hope she doesnt give up. coz i feel the saddest thing is for a person to give up on hope.

i dunno wat happened to glenn. i have never seen him weep like today before. i mean i do weep in church. it isn't an uncommon sight. but today gave me a different feeling. hope he is ok.

hope the haze clears. so that i can get on with my own self training. dun think i will be training with the school team till next semester coz i can't bring myself to train when there is no competition. juz wanna keep my fitness there. sigh... growing fat already. it sucks. FAT FAT!!!! and now i sound like a himbo... sigh....

ramblings

2006-10-08T23:39:00.000+08:00

slack

2006-10-04T23:56:00.000+08:00

i feel so slack. i dun feel like doing anything. i juz wanna eat and sleep and slack and slack.. live like a king. onli thing is i noe that it will be hard coz i need money. sigh.... oh well.... onli time i will not need to worry abt things is when i see my Father in heaven. even then, who noes if he would wan such a slacker like me. haha

anyway, would like to end off with this quote

"i think gals who ask guys out on dates are sexy"

its juz an opinion of mine. it doesn't reflect other guys thoughts.

a cry......

2006-09-20T23:07:00.000+08:00

this post is dedicated to the one whom i love. and directed to the ones i love. it is a cry, it is a jab in desperation, it is not a happy post. no one said i am a happy person. and i have school at 8 tomorrow. argh!

to the one who found me when i was lost, when i was searching for meaning to my life, i thank you that it was You that called out to me and wanted me. me, probably one of the most vile creatures that walked this earth, and you wanted me. words couldn't express how happy i was then that You, the creator of all, all holy and pure wanted me. Father, now i come to you as someone who has lost all hope in finding the happiness that has probably eluded me since i have come to know you as intimately as the past few years. possible heartaches and suffering appear to be at the door of those whom i hold dear. all this because of money. i am starting to wonder why we have money in the first place. it seems like one of those things that can either make or break a man. for You, in the form of Jesus said the greed for money is the root of all evil. but now money appears to be tearing those i hold dear.

Father, you once told me that you would never put me in a situation where i could not bear the consequences. now it appears that i am at my wits end and have no idea what to do anymore. many times things appear to be ok, but it is for a fleeting moment. is this one of the ills of this fallen world i live in? i know this pain that i am going through cannot be compared to what you have gone through, the humiliation, the suffering, the angst, the torment you had through Jesus 2000+ years ago. in fact, i believe you are still suffering pain and sorrow for millions of people have rejected you. and yet Lord, i hope you will take this cup away from me, but by your will it be done. i juz pray that through my suffering people will see you in it.

Lord, if it were possible, i would take their pain and sorrow all onto myself for their happiness. You know who i am talking about. for the longest time i have prayed that they will come to know You as i have known You. that is because i believe that when they align their wishes with yours, then almost everything would be ok. Father, i am your instrument. do with me as you will. like i said before, by your will be done, not mine but yours.

Father, you have heard my pleas, both on my blog, in the shower, before i fall asleep. talk to me like before. i miss your voice, and most of all, i miss being able to talk to you and converse with you. i know this is the outcome of me drawing further away from you. i want to draw close to you, Father.

You are my God, and I will give you thanks; you are my God, and I will exhalt you. Psalm 118:28.

actually i wanted to type Psalm 118:24 because of the small printout i saw in shihui's wallet and it was quite uplifting, but by pure accident, i typed 28 but it turned out that it makes more sense to me. thank you God for taking over my fingers.

2006-09-18T09:21:00.000+08:00

stumbled across this. kinda brought tears to my eyes. hope it would to you too.

One day a teacher asked her students to list the names of the
other students in the room on two sheets of paper, leaving a space
between each name.
Then she told them to think of the nicest thing they could say about each of their classmates and write it down.
It took the remainder of the class period to finish their assignment, and as the students left the room, each one handed in the papers.
That Saturday, the teacher wrote down the name of each student
on a separate sheet of paper, and listed what everyone else had
said about that individual.
On Monday she gave each student his or her list.
Before long, the entire class was smiling.
"Really?" she heard whispered. "I never knew that I meant anything to anyone!" and, "I didn't know others liked me so much." were most of the comments.

No one ever mentioned those papers in class again.
She never knew if they discussed them after class with their parents, but it didn't matter. The exercise had accomplished its purpose.
The students were happy with themselves and one another. That group of students moved on. Several years later, one of the students was killed in Vietnam and his teacher attended the funeral of that special student.
She had never seen a serviceman in a military coffin before. He looked so handsome, so mature. The church was packed with his friends.
One by one those who loved him took a last walk by the coffin.
The teacher was the last one to bless the coffin.

As she stood there, one of the soldiers who acted as pallbearer came up to her.
"Were you Mark's math teacher?" he asked. She nodded: "yes."
Then he said: "Mark talked about you a lot."
After the funeral, most of Mark's former classmates went together to a luncheon. Mark's mother and father were there, obviously waiting to speak with his teacher.
"We want to show you something," his father said, taking a wallet out of his pocket. "They found this on Mark when he was killed. We thought you might recognize it."

Opening the billfold, he carefully removed two worn pieces of notebook paper that had obviously been taped, folded and refolded many times.
The teacher knew without looking that the papers were the ones on which she had listed all the good things each of Mark's classmates had said about him.
"Thank you so much for doing that," Mark's mother said. "As you can see, Mark treasured it."

All of Mark's former classmates started to gather around. Charlie smiled rather sheepishly and said, "I still have my list. It's in the top drawer of my desk at home."
Chuck's wife said, "Chuck asked me to put his in our wedding album."
"I have mine too," Marilyn said. "It's in my diary."
Then Vicki, another classmate, reached into her purse and showed her frazzled list to the group. "I carry this with me at all times, " Vicki said and without batting an eyelash, she continued: "I think we all saved our lists."
That's when the teacher finally sat down and cried. She cried for Mark and for all his friends who would never see him again.

The density of people in society is so thick that we forget that life will end one day. And we don't know when that one day will be.

So please, tell the people you love and care for, that they are
special and important.

can't study!!! argh!

2006-09-17T23:37:00.000+08:00

alamak! looks like i really need to go to school to wack my books, otherwise i can't get any work done. readings, or anything. sigh. help!

am getting fat too. sigh, haven found the motivation to run. hope i can do so tmr morning. if i can wake up that early that is. hah.

and i dunno wat made me sign up for 50m and 100m fly!! its been sooooo long since i swam those strokes competitively. die lah... how now? but since i gave my name to amanda for IFG, might as well go for it, at least i swim, slow never mind rite? hee, i hope...

anyway, would like to say that Vanessa Anne Hudgens is HOOOOOOT!!!!! yeah! she stars in High School Musical, and i am so so so so so so blown away by her.... she is so sweet... haha.... and she has lovely eyes..... and she's 18! whoa!! haha, ok, shall not say more...

going to slp already. zzzzzz

work work

2006-09-11T22:53:00.000+08:00

yeah, work is kinda killing me. somehow i know i must study very hard, but yet i can't seem to bring my brain to follow what i wanna do. it is just so difficult to start the brain going on studying. sigh.

my msn is down. i dunno if it is because i have too many contacts on it or my program is already dying or something else. i do hope the msn support centre will get back to me on my problem. i feel kinda handicapped without my msn. it feels so weird to get on my laptop but being unable to get round to msning.

anyway, rop camp juz ended. and i would like to apologise to the ropers for the harshness they have endured from me. i guess i was kinda hard on many of u. i am sorry. firstly to tylor, sorry for aggravating your back problems. to xinyu and shuning, sorry for causing one of you to get an asthma attack, and the other hyperventilation. i dunno if both of you got asthma or not, but still sorry for it. to everyone else. i apologise for shouting, for putting you guys down, for causing the blisters to appear on your feat, for causing you guys to carry your bags over your heads for that period of time, for making all of you frustrated, for making all of you doubt yourselves though there really isn't anything that you should doubt, for having all of you bear with my arrogance throughout the activities i conducted. to everyone's toes that i have thread, i am sorry. i would juz like to say that i did as i did, i was as unfeeling and as callous as i was because i wanted to give my best to all of you. i hope you have learnt as much as yourselves as i have learnt about you guys, and i do hope that the 27th MC will be one great MC. the o comm for rop did as we did because we were fighting against time to bond you guys as quickly as possible and as strongly as possible. would like like to remind you guys about what i said after the run i conducted, "individually, all of you are weak and imperfect. as a group you are not perfect, but much closer to perfection then you are individually. work with each other to hide each other's imperfections and to be as perfect as you can be."

well, thats all i wanna say. i enjoyed and hated rop camp. i enjoyed it for the people i have gotten to know better then in the past, for the people i have not known but have got accquainted to during the camp, and i hated it for the muscle sores and allowing the devil inside of me to be unleashed.

now i juz need to get back to study mode. and please let my msn be alive again!!! argh!!!! i miss MSN!!!! but i miss my OG more. Taiwind and Tau Sa. sigh... i muz get out of my anti social mode... ernest, where have you gone to?

long long nite

2006-09-07T23:05:00.000+08:00

think it has been some time (well, monday to today isn't really that long but it does feel long enough) since i last blog... well, a couple of things happened, such as i am slowly catching up on my readings. since at least leanna and i are splitting up our workload. that much is easier.... hope that this sem i will be able to pull up my abysmal cap score to a higher one, and hopefully bring it nearer to second lower, and if possible second higer honours score, so that i can stay on to do honours. i mean i really wanna do honours, though it is more for pragmatic reasons. its coz i wanna be a PE teacher in the future, and the pay for honours students is significantly higher compared to degree holders. so i do hope to get my honours. pls Father help me through this. may all the mistakes i made in the past be corrected this semester. help me achieve my As and Bs please.

another reason why i wanna go on to honours is because i wanna go for SEP. i mean it is a good deal, paying the same school fees to go overseas and live in a foreign place and juz bask in foreign culture. though accomodation and flight tickets and the basic necessities to living have to be borne by me. but to live as they live and to be one with them is juz something that i have always wanted to do. i hope to take advantage of globalization and see as much of the world my Father created before i go back home. i wanna see the world as it is and not as some bourgeoise tourist juz there to take advantage of the poor nations and to have them smile back at me juz because i pay for something they are offering me.

which is something that i wanna talk about next. why the hell do we have to put up a 'show' of smiles for our visitors coming for IMF by smiling all the time? muz we come up with a campaign to get singaporeans to smile? by campaigning doesn't it mean that as we are, we are not able to smile from our hearts and have to be encouraged to smile? i seriously think there is something wrong with the way that we are approaching this IMF thing. seriously man. it juz feels so wrong. any takers on this? bet there are. so many people i know are like saying how stupid this campaign thing is. kudos to our wonderful government eh?

anyway, am starting on running training with my new found running partner shihui since yesterday. yeah, she signed up for the 21km run with stand chart and needs to train for it otherwise she would die, and yes she would die if she juz went ahead and run without proper training. so she has enlisted my help to go for runs with her on wed and fri. and in a way it is good for me coz my running sucks eggs and i really need to improve my stamina and speed. this is a good reason for me to get out of the bed and go for runs in the early mornings. otherwise i will juz choose to lay in bed in the mornings and not exercise.

here is a picture of my running partner

i need my $400 bucks from the SAF man. i need to get gold! i can do it! i hope... shit... 914 is something i have never achieved even during my NSF term. but i do wanna get that $400... so come on ernest! you can do it. u juz need discipline and commitment to go and run ur 10km religiously for a period of time. who knows, you can get that 6 pack abs that has always evaded you.

now why am i talking to myself? i have no idea... sigh.....

anyway, i will add a pic of a Japanese chick i took with anders, terence and myself. we all thought she looked like ayumi hamasaki. even the japanese dude that took the picture for us said she was a cutie... haha, great minds think alike man!

finally i can add the pictures

hyogo

2006-09-04T23:12:00.000+08:00

well, this is hopefully gonna be a real short one...

went for the joint Hyugo Summit thingy where students from all over Hyogo prefecture in Japan came to NUS for a tour of our wonderful campus. to cut things short, the program wasn't as happening as i thought it would be, the people were juz fantastic. all friendly and stuff. and i mean i have gotten to know a couple more overseas friends. i hope that when in the future i bump into them or something, we would remember each other. and it also helps that i have learnt somemore Japanese words, and somehow utilized my rusty japanese which was sitting at the back of my brain collecting dust. overall, i enjoyed myself a lot, and really felt sad when i had to leave their ship. sigh. now terence and i have made a resolution to sign up for the next trip when the next batch of Japanese students come down on their ship to Singapore again. WE WILL MAKE IT ON BOARD! it was so darn fun! and the food looks just so wonderful. and i mean i tried their sake in this wooden box thing that somehow made the sake taste a lot better. and for the first time i tried asahi dry beer. its not to my taste, but the feeling of trying a japanese made beer was juz so good. ok, i have typed longer then i had intended... will end off with a pic of two of them.
Maki and Takako

of coz i cannot forget about Kohei(a really nice dude, though we can't really talk coz out of 10 words he says, i can onli understand like max 2 of it. need to improve my japanese!), Jyun(a damn funny guy lah!), Naoko(a realli cute chick who's really tall and speaks rather good english!), Remi(cute gal with the typical big eyes and chubby cheeks but a rather quiet person. maybe its bcoz we can hardly communicate), and Aki(now this chick is CRAZY about Britain man!).

juz recovered

2006-08-31T09:20:00.000+08:00

boy do i hate being sick. can't exercise, can't really study. sucks. but oh well, at least i stayed home and rest. think the best way to recover oneself is to drink loads and loads of water(kinda like water parading during army eh guys?), forced vomitting, and covering oneself up in a blanket to sweat it out. yeah. that is indeed the best way for me at least.

as i was laying on my bed yesterday, had the luxury of time to think about things that were happening in my life. also found the time to talk to my Father. yes, it has been a long time since i did that.realised that i have been neglecting Him for a long long time. i have already forgotten when was the last time i did real and proper quiet time already. i am sorry Father. please forgive me for what i have done and what i have failed to do.

now i am in school. supposed to be in lecture but couldn't make it so i decided to head to the library so that i can download a file to do my readings. but guess what, the lecturer uploaded the wrong file onto the website. sigh... so now i have to contend with writing stuff for my blog and probably finding books to read for my break time later. tons of readings man i tell ya. so many that i juz can't seem to finish it. sigh.

back to finding books.......... ***and i juz recovered. can't exercise till tmr i guess***

ending off with something i juz read:

******His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying
to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby
bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog.

There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and
struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have
been a slow and terrifying death.

The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings
An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father
of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.

"I want to repay you," said the nobleman. "You saved my son's life."

"No, I can't accept payment for what I did," the Scottish farmer replied waving
off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the
family hovel.

"Is that your son?" the nobleman asked.

"Yes," the farmer replied proudly.

"I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own son
will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a
man we both will be proud of." And that he did.

Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from
St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known
throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of
Penicillin.

Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken
with pneumonia.

What saved his life this time? Penicillin.

The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill. His son's name?

Sir Winston Churchill.

Someone once said: What goes around comes around.

Work like you don't need the money.

Love like you've never been hurt.

Dance like nobody's watching.

Sing like nobody's listening.

Live like it's Heaven on Earth.

May there always be work for your hands to do;

May your purse always hold a coin or two;

May the sun always shine on your windowpane;

May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain;

May the hand of a friend always be near you;

May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.*****

gentlemaness.

2006-08-25T23:43:00.001+08:00

something that i have wanted to blog about but never really gotten down to it. well, it was a debate within myself and between leanna and i regarding the topic of gentlemeness. well, i have to admit, i should be the last person anyone would consider a gentleman. well, i guess this is because i generally do not like to go out of my way to do things for others, be it girl or guy, and i definitely definitely dislike carrying bags for women. urgh! i shall talk about two things i do not like to do and why am i not a gentlemen. one is fetching people to places that are out of the way. two is carrying bags for women.

shall start off with carrying bags for women. this is to all women who whine and complain about the heavy bags they carry with the hope that men will take to their hint and carry their bag for you. first of all, are you all handicapped? i mean you have two working hands and feet right? so why can't you carry it yourself? irregardless of how heavy it is, do not like complain about it and ask a guy to carry it for you. if a guy wants to carry it for ya, good for ya. but if not, then please quit whining. it is seriously, to me at least, a big pain to my ears. i will help if you are like physically handicapped, or you are an old elderly person whose muscles have already degenerated to the state where they tired out with carrying a 2kg bag for 5 seconds. people who do not fall under this category, please for pete's sake dun expect others to carry it for ya. unless the person or group you are with is in a big rush, then go ahead and impose ur belongings on them. seriously, i can't stand it when i go out and see guys carrying their girlfriend's bag. its like their girlfriend is weak, or their pretty hands would be disfigured from carrying it. ok, i have to admit, i was part of that group before, but on hindsight, it was really stupid of me for doing it.

another thing is like driving people arnd. i heard from one of my friend that he was begged from another person to fetch her home. furthermore, it was like on the other side of singapore. i mean come on, at that time, the public transport was still operational, it was the peak hour somemore. so are you telling me that taking public transport would cause ur make up to slip off? or is it that your pretty body can't take public transport? if it is out of the way, it is out of the way, dun beg and use ur feminine weakness to plead. can't stand it when women play their weakness to men in the hope that men will do things that benefit them. women ask for equality, then please show that you have some sense of equality. u want us to be fair, then be fair to us men rather then saying things that degrad men and makes use of us when it is to your benefit.

all of the above are opinions of my own and they are in no way directed to any specific persons. it is juz what i feel in general throughout my life and it is something i wish to get off my chest. like i said before, i am no gentleman. i am a nice guy, but not a gentleman. if you aren't too happy abt what i said, u are free to comment in my tag board, and if i feel like it, i will reply. if i feel like it.....

gentlemaness.

2006-08-25T23:43:00.000+08:00

crazy nite out!

2006-08-23T00:51:00.000+08:00

juz got home from a nite where i made myself go hoarse from singing with a bunch of crazy people. yes! they are my ever adorable, ever crazy and forever hogging the microphone and camera OG Tailwind! haha, yes it was good fun watching everyone singing their hearts out, especially to favourites like 'It's My Life' by Bon Jovi, and 'Dancing Queen' i think by ABBA. juz too bad Bobz couldn't join us today. i'll bet he'll roll over in laughter at the sight of us dancing his rendition of Dancing Queen. i do hope that more of such fun stuff will keep happening though school is starting. maybe not at such frequency, but at least we still are able to let our hair down in the midst of school.

a side note, hope pee will be able to get the timings for me for the swimming lesson thing. then i can get back to HA with regard to my availability. PEE! hurry!! poor man here needs job to feed his insurance and his poor stomach.

another thing, sorry leen for not being able to go with u to velvet. really wanna see whats all the hype abt that place. but also seeing that i am broke! i dun think i can afford the cab fare back... sigh... money please fall from the sky. or maybe i should find a sugar mommy.... yeah, like that will ever happen.... :S

More thoughts

2006-08-21T09:47:00.000+08:00

think i have bitched about this before, but i will still do it again. am feeling far from my Father. haven't been talking to Him much. i feel so busy doing things that i like that i can't seem to find time to juz sit or lie down, close my eyes, and feel us having a normal conversation like how we used to do. i miss those times when even when i do not consciously pray, i can still feel Him next to me. i know that He wants to draw near to me, and it is me resisting. i dunno why is it that i am resisting. am i ashamed about something? do i resent my faith that much? do i resent my Father that much? or do i resent myself the most? i dunno. anyway, got to know of this video from a pastor from my church. he cried whereas i didn't. dunno if it is callousness on my part. but i was filled with admiration for the guy's dad, and even greater admiration for the main character. not many of us will be able to be as happy as this chap. i personally feel that although he doesn't have much, he has almost everything that is required for a happy life on earth, if you get my drift. kinda oxymoronic i noe. sorry.

suddenly feel so bogged down by school. so many readings that needs to be done. i mean i dun wish to like be one week in advance for my readings, but at least stay afloat on my readings. well, it juz means that i have to read loads more, since i am now reading LOTR, the Fellowship of the Ring, and Andrew juz got me, Wai Kit, and Hui Xing a reading to do for our biweekly fellowship. readings galore i tell you. on top of that, i have to start getting back to doing my QT religiously. haven been doing it as much as i would like, or as much as my Father would like, or as much as my devotional buddy Paul would like. Sorry to those i have mentioned above. well, will take things one step at a time. hope my Father will forgive me.

yesterday i had a long conversation with C. babe, hope things will turn out rite for ya. shan't divule more online but will juz repeat what i said on the phone yesterday. make ur choice and choose to live with the consequences. you and i are dead sure that the consequences will cause u to be sad one way or another. but it is ultimately up to you to choose the lesser of two evils. and i will be there for ya be it good or bad, and this isn't juz limited to C. but to all my friends.

to an, sorry things have to turn out this way. i dunno if what i read on ur blog is interpreted correctly, but u stay strong babe. i am sorry but i dunno what else to say to you other then this.

seems like more sad things to come eh? i am like $1500 poorer now. yeah, juz paid for my plane tickets to NZ. not that i am terribly sad that i am that much poorer, but juz that i do not have money to do things that i would generally like to do, like go to a cafe, get a cup of coffee and read a good solid book. i know, that it doesn't cost much, but i am THAT poor ok... sigh... can't wait for money to fall from the sky. sighz.

well, on a happier note, have started training for my biathlon since the start of last week. though i still suck at running (and i dun think i will ever not suck at it), i can see myself improving progressively. hope that one day i will be able to run sub 50 for a 10km distance. and i also hope for next year's sing bi, will be able to manage a 1hr 20min. these are juz standards i wanna meet.

well, thats all for now. am gonna go back to reading my school stuff.... sianz......

Hard Candy

2006-08-15T23:07:00.000+08:00

man was "Hard Candy" one of the most thought provoking and disgusting shows i've watched thus far. i do not agree with those that said this show's gory. in fact, i feel that the "Saw" series is gorier, though i bet there are other's out there even gorier. anyway, thanks cass for telling me about the show. i realli enjoyed it, save for the fact when the lead actress did something to the lead actor which will make all and i mean ALL males whether you are straight or homo cringe. if you wanna know what happened, go catch it. but a small hint, something was done that i pray will not happen to any of the men i know. it is absolutely disgusting.

actually watched the show with my 'sis' serene today. yeah, its been a looooong time since i last chatted with her or gone out with her. actually, how we actually got closer together was by chance. it was all thanks to an sms from her (at that time i only had like a small recollection of who she was) asking me if i was with bernard from my platoon, coz his mother was looking for him. at that time i was asleep, though the reason i can't remember. when i saw the msg, which was a couple of hours later, i called her to find out if bernard was found. so after that we began chatting and found out that we could talk to each other. so thereafter, she became my 'sister' coz she was born 10 days after me and bear the same surname as me. haha, kinda lame i know, but she really is a nice gal. happy for her that she found such a nice guy in george as her boyfriend. hope he treats her well. not that i will do anything to you dun worry. hah!

after the movie with serene (and she scolded me for asking her to watch such a sick movie with her, well, not my fault sis, u gotta blame my fren cass for telling me to watch it. but u can't deny that it is a good show. disgusting but nice), we went for coffee and chatted a bit before i went to meet my family and uncles and aunties for dinner.

anyway, thanks uncle david for the wonderful dinner. really appreciate the dinner. you actually didn't have to do it but you did and i am really thankful for it. i really hope that you and aunty cat can join us in september. and may you strike 4D again! haha! but u wun have to treat us the next time. i know how difficult it is to earn money. keep it for yourself ok?

well, now i am gonna continue reading my book. currently i am onto the fellowship of the ring, under the Lord of the Rings Series. and shao, i totally agree with you. digital fortress sucked to the core. i still think out of all of Dan Brown's books. none of them came close to the story of Angels and Demons. out of all the 4, i enjoyed that one the best. even the Da Vinci Code didn't come close in terms of entertainment value.

sighz, when school starts, i dun think i can afford as much time reading the books that i enjoy reading. whats more i am taking sociology of pop culture and it is taken by Tolentino, who gives readings like his is the only module we are taking. his readings are the thickness of my Bible man! sighz. another shitty semester for me again.

Love My OG

2006-08-14T14:15:00.000+08:00

kinda know this is overdue. but hey, i have been rather tired from the past week's events. first of all, there was o week. which i must say is very very tiring. then there was church worship practice and it can get quite tiring at times when the musicians have to settle some of their technical issues and me this music illiterate juz sitting around doing nothing.

first and foremost i must say that my OG from Arts O week was stupendous!!! honestly i believe that my OG deserved the title the Best OG from my house. what was better was that our House got the best house award. the credit to this belongs to every single person in the house. seriously. i am starting to wonder about what wen hui. he was outwardly pondering, "if our house was the best house in the camp, and our OG is the best in the house, does it make our OG the best OG in arts camp?" well, i believe that taking it that way, one might be lead to believe we are the best OG in Arts o week. but i think that every single OG is good in their own special and unique way. but i am not complaining about my OG. they are seriously one heck of a bunch of people.

however, my only regret during this o week was that some people were inevitably left out of the group's hyperactivity. people like christine, rachel, pei shan, melissa etc. i juz feel helpless that i wasn't able to make them feel like part of the group. to some extent i feel that i have done my best already, but another part of me feels like i could have done more in my capacity as an aogl. i dunno. juz a feeling of helplessness.

however on a happier note, i am glad that we had as much fun has we had. camera whoring. i mean i have never met a bunch of camera whores as my OG. especially the last day, all of us were juz jumping at EVERY single opportunity to take pictures. it was crazy man. think we chalked up close to 300MB worth of pictures within the short span of time. i think it is a lot. we also had some really nice videos that are up on youtube. i personally find it kinda nice because it brings back some cool memories. there are 3 links that i will put up at the end of my post. feel free to view it.

yesterday i went to a wake. one of my close friends' mother passed away recently. sorry but i can't mention his name coz he wants to keep it low profile for the time being. well, personally i feel sad for him. first of all, he is my age, and he lost his dad at a very young age. now he has to deal with another loss in his family and it is his mum. what is more, he is the sole male of the family. i do not know how will he be able to carry on. when i talked to him yesterday with C, he seemed ok. somehow he has accepted the fact that probably his mother leaving was a form of release from the pain and suffering she was going through the past 5 years. in a way it was good that he thought that way, but i am juz afraid that he is putting on a brave front. bro, juz so you know, if there is anything you need, do let me know, i will do everything in my power to help you out ok? and if you are really feeling sad, do let it out. nothing is worst then harbouring all the sadness inside of yourself. it will juz kill ya in the end.

well, i am going off now. gonna email my pastor probably tonight regarding his sermons that i do not really think is right. juz wanna get it off my chest. sighz, so many things i wanna blog about, so little time.

p.s. i think one of the gals in the video/my og is cute.... but sigh, dunno lah, am in a "i dun wanna settle down state yet" FREEDOM! is the way to go.....

videos:
video1
video2
video3

sleepy but very happy for my OG

2006-08-08T03:08:00.000+08:00

its now 3am in the morning and i am still up blogging.... ;S well, i guess i am still up coz of the adrenalin that i am living off. i am really really proud of the OG that Leanna has come up with. she has single handedly brought the OG to its current rara-ness. good job babe. i do hope that tailwind will be able to maintain the bonds of friendship all the way till the end of their university education, and if possible, beyond that. right now i juz hope that i will be able to blend in well with them. somehow i feel that i am not as close to most of them as i would want to be. hope that will change in time to come. signing off now. leanna's heavy head is on my lap. gonna go off and chat with the og members, while hearing james' crap. hope the crap doesn't get too absurd that it sounds unbelievable.

cough cough

2006-08-06T17:17:00.000+08:00

damn, i feel so bad. whole body feels sick. having a headache, feeling woozy, have a cough. wats worse is i din feel so well on monday, had a throat problem, but yet still continued to shout for the sake of o week. shit! now i regret it. can't even sing now. dunno how am i gonna survive till the end of o week man!.... sighz.

enthusiasm slipping

2006-08-02T21:44:00.000+08:00

dunno y, but i feel as though i am not as psyched up for o week as i thought i'd be. i mean in the past i would go gaga over all the activities, but now i feel as though i am not that crazy already. i really can't put my finger on it. where has my alter ego gone to? am starting to have doubts in my capabilities in being an aogl. i juz hope that i will be able to find back my alter ego before o week starts. in the meantime, it is back to reading the Bible, digital fortress and after that, the fellowship of the ring. i think it is such a waste, there are so many good books out there for my reading pleasure, but i juz dun read fast enough to enjoy all of them.

come to think of it, guess one of the qualities i would like in my to-be partner is a love for books. i dunno about others but i find gals who read, doesn't really matter the genre as long as the person has a liking for the storyline, very attractive. and whats more is the ability to give their opinions about the story, their likes and dislikes about the story. maybe it is juz me, but i find gals who sit down at a cafe and read much much more attractive then a gal that goes clubbing every now and then. leanna was one such babe who had a big appetite for reading, juz a pity we had to end it.

speaking of which, i know that there has been some rumors going around that leanna's cheating escapade on me caused our breakup. please do not think that way. whoever started this speculation please stop it now. it is not fair to her coz the two of us broke up due to differences in our opinions towards many things. we broke up becoz of a mutual agreement to break up. not becoz she cheated on me. it is a lie to say so coz she really is a nice gal, and cheating on her bf would be the last thing she would do. i would know coz i am her ex bf. and her previous ex bfs would be able to atest to it coz we know her better then most of you out there. i would like to say it again, she did not cheat on me. it is a really really badly thought up rumor. if she really did cheat on me i would say it upfront. but the fact is she didn't. so stop saying things that are potentially harmful to the well-being of others.

thats all i have to say for now.

this is gonna be long.....

2006-08-01T21:03:00.000+08:00

well, dunno how to start off on what i wanna say, got so many things that i wanna blog about, but i do not wanna make it too long too. but in the end it will end up as a long blog.

for starters, having a cold war at home rite now. not between me or any of my family members, but between my mum and dad. i know it is normal for couples to squabble, but its kinda sucky that the frequency seems to be increasing. and it sucks. now the both of them do not even talk to each other. sighz. what am i to do? the worst part is my brother appears nonchalant about the going-ons at home. not that i can blame him. guess he has been brought up to be self centred and stuff.

in the past when i go thru such troubles, i would always turn to my Father and talk to Him and ask Him for help. even then i feel that it is only when i am in trouble that i turn to Him. when things are going ok i hardly talk to Him. kinda regarding Him as a person that can work miracles. not that He can't work miracles, but the reason i turn to Him makes me feel bad. i would wanna turn to Him in times of need and in times of happiness. but so far i have failed so many times. over and over again. this time, it feels that if i turn to Him and talk to Him about my troubles, i have no doubt that He will listen and if it is in His will, He would change things to suit my need. but i am only afraid that if things do not turn out the way i want, then i would totally neglect and forget and not believe in His existence already. that really sucks. guess this is one demon i have to conquer, and i can't do it alone. i need people who have such strong unwavering faith in our Father to bring me back to Him. its true i guess, a Christian never remains stagnant in his/her faith. you either go up or go down. now is the time i am going down. help me Father.

on a slightly happier note, school's starting soon. that means i will be able to focus my time on the happier/sadder stuff depending on what kinda perspective i take. studies, friends, my training. i really hope to pull up my CAP score. hope to spend more time with my friends, be able to get back my fitness to what it was before i started work. and i do hope to date some nice gals. i am not being desperate here. i honestly see no wrong or an act of desperation in dating women. there are some really nice gals out there that i noe. i hope to get to know them better. and if it is in my Father's will for my life, may she be the one. right now, i have no wish at all to commit to any relationship, i am juz waiting for my Father to lead us to each other. in His time. i know i said in my post before that i will blog about my ideal woman, but i guess now's not the time to do so. coz i have no one set of ideals that i am looking for. maybe when i am sure of what i want then i'll blog about it.

to end off, i would like to say something that has been on my mind for some time. its kinda frustrating for me to some extent. maybe some of you can shed some light on it. i was reading scripture on sunday. and before i read it, i went to ask Andrew what was the verses for that day. after telling me, he told me i can't wear my cap up to the pulpit. in my heart i was thinking, is there anything wrong with wearing a cap? i mean i have been getting stares from my church congregation when i go to church in my beach bum attire. i wear berms, sleeveless shirts, slippers and a cap. i even get stares when i juz wear a cap. honestly is there like anything wrong? coz i don't see any wrong in my dressing. i argue it in this way, when i go to church, all i wanna do is to feel my Father near me. not that i don't everyday, though i don't on some, but my heart is to seek God. now the question is does it really matter what i wear or how i dress? i have been asking myself something all this time, if a beggar who hasn't showered all this time entered any of our churches, would we as followers of Christ reject this man becoz he/she isn't in a proper dress code or allow the beggar to come in coz we wanna extend our love to him/her. i know i have juz made a mountain outta a molehill. but i was kinda extrapolating on what i feel. another thing is, why can't i wear ear rings/studs when i am worshipping on stage? i have gotten an answer before and it was not to stumble people. i mean come on, i will stumble those who haven believe if i go around screwing gals but still say i am a christian. i will stumble others if i keep getting drunk and still say i am a christian. i will stumble others if i murder people or keep lying and still say i am a devout christian. but God has not explicitly said that we are to dress in a certain way(correct me if i am wrong) while worshiping/meeting Him, or not to have certain bling bling coz it is associated with gangsterism or deviance. to me, what matters is the heart. someone please point me out if i am wrong.

Matric Fair Over!!

2006-07-31T22:26:00.000+08:00

after many many hours, after muscle aches, after two days of abrasion filled palms, matric is finally over. now i just have to wait till o week comes. i juz can't wait for o week to start. thats coz i really, and i mean really regret not being able to make it for arts camp. this time, i will make sure i will make the best of my time during this o week.

another thing to boast about, i have all my modules! haha! yeah, now i have like 2000++ points to use next time when the need arises. watch out freshies! i am a monster raring to go!

can't wait for 2 fass 2 furious! and chicks, here i come! nah, juz kidding, juz gonna enjoy myself.

No more work!

2006-07-25T22:54:00.000+08:00

yes! the day has arrived when i do not need to go back to the office to work. i can not do things that i have always wanted to go. catch up with friends, go out with gals, exercise, laze around all day doing nothing. heh. NO MORE WORK YOU HEAR ME! hah!

with the upcoming semester looming closer, i have set some goals that i wish to achieve.
1. get closer to my Father, Lord and Holy Spirit.
2.get six-packed abs, or whatever my body has.
3. improve on my 10km running by 5 minutes, and improve on my swim timing by 2 minutes.
4. pull up my CAP to 3.1 or more. best if can 3.5. but will aim something more achievable first.
5. read 2 novels by Michael Crichton or Tom Clancey. Can be a mixture of both. though i dunno how am i gonna fit that in with my upcoming crazy amount of readings from school.
6. get gold for ippt. so i can get that darn $400 bucks from the bloody government!
7. Learn how to sing parts for songs for worship sessions.

think thats all for now.

well, would like to say thank you can sorry to yan jie. thank you for introducing me to what is possibly the CHEAPEST wanton noodles i have ever eaten. yes you heard me right. S$3 bucks and i have LOADS of noodles, LOADS of veggies, shredded chicken, mushrooms, chicken leg and a bowl of 7 or 8 wantons. yes you heard me right. i even had to give up abt half to three quarters of my noodles to the abominable stomach to finish it for me coz i can't finish it. and it is situated in the Ubi area. IF i am ever that hard up for food, i will know where to go for a FILLING lunch+dinner man! thanks once again for the meal!

got home today and went to the gym. the guard asked me a question which i have heard many times. no it is not are you malay. but it is something like the same questions cynthia gets, "how old are you?" and when i asked him to guess, he said i look 16! OMG. do i really look that young. and when i told him my real age, he said it is good, when i am older i can have many girlfriends. hah! please man, i juz need a one-gina. not really interested in having multiple gfs. dun think i can tahan man!

later in the nite when i was on my way out to buy groceries for tomorrow's dinner, guess who i saw, David Neo with his infant kid, my fellow 5th company brothers in arms, yes, that was our OC. but i din say hi to him. actually dunno y i din say hi too. guess it feels kinda weird. we live in the same estate but hardly communicate.

tomorrow will be another slow, quiet day. meeting ma two black brothers for a kiera nite. hope it will be good. haven really watched the first one though. think will be able to get it from Leanna. can lend me rite babe? hah.

ok, i am off now to play a lil starcraft. i noe its a bloody old game, but thats all the games i allow isabella to have. will be playing it on her already. ciao!

JB.... JB again....

2006-07-24T22:58:00.000+08:00

when is this neverending thorn in my flesh ever gonna end? sighz. i mean i am suppose to work half day today, and i end up reaching home at 530 bcoz i have to go to JB... argh! juz hope the same thing doesn't happen tmr. and i even have to forsake lunch with kunal bcoz i have to go JB. i am sorry mate. really really sorry. i know that i said if i were activated after 12pm i wouldn't go, but i couldn't bear to see my other colleague, yanjie, from our secondary school go in alone and handling so much shit alone. i'll try to help out as much as i can, thats the kinda person i am. will make it up to ya when i see ya on wed to watch kiera aight? lets hope our other black bro will be able to join us then. :)

well, juz kena bomb by william today for not giving him exactly what he wants. i mean he did request from me some information but i wasn't willing to coz i wasn't too confident of the information. sighz, in the end i have to spend some time to do it. but honestly, one thing he asked me to do that i wasn't pleased with. i mean i didn't give him the information he wanted, ok, i can take it bcoz it was my fault. but then he wants me to upload it onto the company server and expects it to be updated by yanjie? i mean come on lah, yanjie is juz gonna work for another 3 more weeks. whats more, by next week, he will hand it over to the new guy (i can't say his name yet) and they will work hand in hand till yanjie leaves. i seriously see no point in uploading the info on the server coz the guy will hardly be in singapore. he is a malaysian for crying out loud and his primary role is to oversee the production, to be the eyes and mouth of LKY. my goodness. well, some things i can accept and others i cannot accept. what i cannot accept is to do double work or to do things that i see no significance in. bah!

well, on a lighter note, went for a jog at my condo's gym this morning. met a really friendly and talkative aunty towards the end of my run. ok, i din run far, but it was enough for today. need to slowly push myself to my former glory mah. but i really enjoyed chatting with her, though in between i was huffing and panting. think i sounded like i was having sex or something. haha. she had this persona that is very happy go lucky. hope my future wife would be something like that. *hint hint*

well, thats all for today. still can't figure out why i can only like post one blog a day. will someone please explain to me??? alamakz...i dun wanna change skins coz i really like my current one.

anyway, think i will write about my ideal partner. gotten this idea off mikki's blog. see whose one is more hard to attain. haha. we'll see.

more ramblings

2006-07-23T22:48:00.000+08:00

suddenly feel as though i am rather slow on this blogger bandwagon. i mean i have so many friends who already have blogs, and here i am juz started on mine. alamak! so darn slow lah! the only consolation i have is that at least i have started. as the saying goes, 'better late then never'

juz asked leen and jenn something which i find rather disturbing. i asked them if i look like a player to them. aka, some kinda playboy person. and they said yes! my goodness! i dunno how to react man! i dun really like the term player. guess i have to go nerdify myself already. but then gals dun like nerds. sigh. its so hard to make everyone happy manz!

was reading some peope's blog the best part of today. kinda nice seeing that people are doing fine with their lives, though a couple are going through a shitty part of their lives now. i guess each of us have a similar patch at some point or another. which kinda brings to mind the sermon the guest pastor said today. i mean what he says is true. every single human being have problems. the only people who do not have any problems are those who have already passed on. look at it this way, the rich always worry that their money will be lost, worrying about how to make more money, and worrying that their friends are there bcoz of their money. poor people have to worry about their health, when their next meal will be, what it will be, be it scraps from the bin or leftovers from dinner tables. the middle class ones will have to worry about payment for their houses, bills etc. everyone HAS PROBLEMS. every single day. it doesn't matter if you are black, white, yellow, brown or green. it doesn't matter ur age, it doesn't matter ur religion. but for me, i know that whenever i face problems, i am never alone. i have my friends who will share my burdens with me. i have my family who will listen to me and in every way possible help me out. and best of all, i have a God whom i have known existed all my life, but have gotten to know more personally more recently, who will listen to me, who doesn't scold me back when i scream at Him, who is always by my side even though sometimes i dun feel Him, and who is constantly telling me what to do, despite my foolishness at not listening to Him sometimes. i am sorry to those above whom i have neglected, friends, family, God.

wellz, tmr is the start of a new week. hope that things will proceed smoothly, and i dun need to stay beyond lunch. who knows, i may be able to drive home. as if that is gonna happen. stupid LKY will surely take the car into JB. well, not that he is stupid, but kinda sucky when he takes the car in and comes back late and my mum has to suffer for it. please LKY, when Syed comes in, hope u dun have to go in as often as now. and get a car lah! i am sure u and ur wife can afford one. a toyota vios also a car lor!!!