Tuesday, August 01, 2006

well, dunno how to start off on what i wanna say, got so many things that i wanna blog about, but i do not wanna make it too long too. but in the end it will end up as a long blog.

for starters, having a cold war at home rite now. not between me or any of my family members, but between my mum and dad. i know it is normal for couples to squabble, but its kinda sucky that the frequency seems to be increasing. and it sucks. now the both of them do not even talk to each other. sighz. what am i to do? the worst part is my brother appears nonchalant about the going-ons at home. not that i can blame him. guess he has been brought up to be self centred and stuff.

in the past when i go thru such troubles, i would always turn to my Father and talk to Him and ask Him for help. even then i feel that it is only when i am in trouble that i turn to Him. when things are going ok i hardly talk to Him. kinda regarding Him as a person that can work miracles. not that He can't work miracles, but the reason i turn to Him makes me feel bad. i would wanna turn to Him in times of need and in times of happiness. but so far i have failed so many times. over and over again. this time, it feels that if i turn to Him and talk to Him about my troubles, i have no doubt that He will listen and if it is in His will, He would change things to suit my need. but i am only afraid that if things do not turn out the way i want, then i would totally neglect and forget and not believe in His existence already. that really sucks. guess this is one demon i have to conquer, and i can't do it alone. i need people who have such strong unwavering faith in our Father to bring me back to Him. its true i guess, a Christian never remains stagnant in his/her faith. you either go up or go down. now is the time i am going down. help me Father.

on a slightly happier note, school's starting soon. that means i will be able to focus my time on the happier/sadder stuff depending on what kinda perspective i take. studies, friends, my training. i really hope to pull up my CAP score. hope to spend more time with my friends, be able to get back my fitness to what it was before i started work. and i do hope to date some nice gals. i am not being desperate here. i honestly see no wrong or an act of desperation in dating women. there are some really nice gals out there that i noe. i hope to get to know them better. and if it is in my Father's will for my life, may she be the one. right now, i have no wish at all to commit to any relationship, i am juz waiting for my Father to lead us to each other. in His time. i know i said in my post before that i will blog about my ideal woman, but i guess now's not the time to do so. coz i have no one set of ideals that i am looking for. maybe when i am sure of what i want then i'll blog about it.

to end off, i would like to say something that has been on my mind for some time. its kinda frustrating for me to some extent. maybe some of you can shed some light on it. i was reading scripture on sunday. and before i read it, i went to ask Andrew what was the verses for that day. after telling me, he told me i can't wear my cap up to the pulpit. in my heart i was thinking, is there anything wrong with wearing a cap? i mean i have been getting stares from my church congregation when i go to church in my beach bum attire. i wear berms, sleeveless shirts, slippers and a cap. i even get stares when i juz wear a cap. honestly is there like anything wrong? coz i don't see any wrong in my dressing. i argue it in this way, when i go to church, all i wanna do is to feel my Father near me. not that i don't everyday, though i don't on some, but my heart is to seek God. now the question is does it really matter what i wear or how i dress? i have been asking myself something all this time, if a beggar who hasn't showered all this time entered any of our churches, would we as followers of Christ reject this man becoz he/she isn't in a proper dress code or allow the beggar to come in coz we wanna extend our love to him/her. i know i have juz made a mountain outta a molehill. but i was kinda extrapolating on what i feel. another thing is, why can't i wear ear rings/studs when i am worshipping on stage? i have gotten an answer before and it was not to stumble people. i mean come on, i will stumble those who haven believe if i go around screwing gals but still say i am a christian. i will stumble others if i keep getting drunk and still say i am a christian. i will stumble others if i murder people or keep lying and still say i am a devout christian. but God has not explicitly said that we are to dress in a certain way(correct me if i am wrong) while worshiping/meeting Him, or not to have certain bling bling coz it is associated with gangsterism or deviance. to me, what matters is the heart. someone please point me out if i am wrong.

Speakth at... 9:03 PM

----------------