Sunday, October 08, 2006

just realised that i haven been blogging properly since some time already. guess i miss the 'lor soh' persona of mine. well, now that he is back, its time to get down to business.

school... haha, well, hmm, erm.... its bad... coz last week was the week after the term break and i din feel like doing much work. i mean i sorta gave up religiously reading the assigned readings coz i wanted to do things on my own pace. so after the mid term, i have decided to do wat i wanna do, and study wat i wanna study (but still in line with the module). hopefully this will help. i mean i am doing things that interest me rather than wat is told to me. juz hope that my results wun fall. i mean its bad already. how much worst can it get? dun think i should say it too soon. sigh. wat a sucky life i lead. to follow or not to follow. if i dun follow, who knows the consequences that awaits me. kinda like us singaporeans. listen to the gov and things will turn out smoothly. but go off the beaten track and two destinations await you. one of complete failure, or greater success. shall risk it all and leave everything in the hands of God.

which brings me to another point abt my wonderful Lord. i am sad that i am unable to live a life that comes even close to what He lived when he was here. comparing Him with me, i am worst then an ant. insignificant. but then he has taught and shown me that as long as i trust Him, no matter how many times i have fallen, He will always help me up. when there are times when i can't carry on, He will set me on Him and he will bear the burden. there will doubtless be times when He will hide away so to test me in faith. i have been tested. times i failed, times i shined. i still fail in many areas. but in my weakness, there His strength shall show.

for those who dunno, i had gone thru some shitty times. family side din look too good on one point. i felt so down, that i gave up. in a last ditch effort, i juz told God to take control. i said i have tried everything in my power to make it better. but by my own strength i accomplished nothing. so then i juz surrender everything to Him. asking Him to make it better, but not enforcing it. i juz allowed His will be done. good thing is, things seem to be looking good. i know that it wun last. i know that problems will still arise in time to come. i know that no matter how happy days come, it will still lead back to sad. but i shall treasure the happy ones, and allow my being to be a vessel for His work. that much i can do. now i can only hope that my family will come to know of Him. right now i am happy that my brother is attending church. City Harvest. i know some people have misgivings abt that place. i been to their services and i liked it, but din feel that it suits me. but at least my brother is there, closer to knowing abt christ then he was. i am hoping that he isn't there bcoz of some chick or coz of his friends. to me, its kinda missing the point. i can onli hope in faith that he will love my Lord.

the next thing is my parents. i can onli pray that in due time they would go back to God. not as a God that grants their wishes of wealth, or a problem free life, or their human desires, but as a God who desires a relationship with them. my dream is that we can come together as a family every nite before we head off to our rooms to pray for each other. to allow God to be among us, leading us in our lives day in day out. that He be first, not as a condition.

leanna is going thru some tough times now. i hope she is ok. i mean i know some of the problems she is going through, things that i can't talk abt here. but then i hope she doesnt give up. coz i feel the saddest thing is for a person to give up on hope.

i dunno wat happened to glenn. i have never seen him weep like today before. i mean i do weep in church. it isn't an uncommon sight. but today gave me a different feeling. hope he is ok.

hope the haze clears. so that i can get on with my own self training. dun think i will be training with the school team till next semester coz i can't bring myself to train when there is no competition. juz wanna keep my fitness there. sigh... growing fat already. it sucks. FAT FAT!!!! and now i sound like a himbo... sigh....

Speakth at... 11:39 PM

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